Janet.
I woke up with Shawn's head crushing my chest. It was honestly the best feeling. Between this and waking up with Shai, nothing else feels better.
After kissing Shawn yesterday at the dock and a lot of begging, she agreed to come home with me. We didn't talk for the rest of the night and just ended up cuddling in the middle of the night.
Nothing is different from yesterday, besides the fact that she knows that I love her. For me, that is the first stepping stone. Everything will fall into place now.
I felt Shawn shift her body over as she woke up. "Good morning." I grinned.
"Morning."
I sat up and looked down at her as I used my hand to play in her hair. "I know yesterday must've been overwhelming for you. I'm willing to talk about anything whenever you want. I love you, okay?"
"Yeah. I'm gonna go take a shower."
I watched as she hopped out my bed and went into the bathroom. I plopped on my pillow and covered my head with the blanket.
The quiet wasn't long before Shai busted in. "Morning, Mama!" He laughed as he made his way to me. I picked him up and gave him a big hug and kiss. "Good morning Mama's boy."
"Mama, Mamaw said I see Prince and P." He said referring to Michael's kids. While I'm working things out with Shawn, I asked my Mother to watch Shai. I love my baby but as long as he's around me, my sole focus is him.
"Wow, baby. Can you give them kisses for me?"
He nodded his head just as my Mother came in. "Shai, let's go, baby. The car is waiting and Uncle Tommy put your carseat in." She said. "Morning, my daughter."
"Morning, Mother." I said. "Be an extra good boy for Mamaw and Uncle Mike, okay?"
"I will, Mama. Bye." He said as he raced out the room with Mother hot on his tail.
I waited until I heard the front door to close to get up and join Shawn in the bathroom. "Babe?" I said knocking while entering.
I saw her sitting on the toilet cover crying.
I pulled up my bench and sat in front of her. "What's the matter?" I said while wiping her tears.
"Janet, stop pretending you care."
"Shawn, stop tryna force me not to care."
She sighed and pulled up her sleeves. There were four line scars. As someone who has self-harmed, I knew that she inflicted those upon herself with a blade. I have a few scars of my own.
"Four lines. What do they symbolize?"
Again, I know that each cut means something.
She pulled her sleeve down, "If I told you, you'd hate me and probably yourself. Question... how many times did I call you in the past year?" She asked.
"I don't know, Shawn. You called for business related reasons each time though. Wh— Don't get off topic. Four lines for what? For me? For us?"
"I called you for business, yeah, but for personal reasons too. If it wasn't a scheduled business call, you didn't answer."
"What are the lines for?" I asked louder.
She stood up and turned on the shower. "I am going to shower. Do you mind leaving me to do so?" She asked.
"Shawn!"
She turned to me after removing her shirt and pants. "Janet Damita Jo Jackson. Four words, four lines." She said simply.
My mouth dropped. "Shawn.."
"Janet, leave. I have to shower and prefer not to show myself in front of you." She said with her head down.
I stepped up to her and lifted her head with my finger. "When you're done, I want to talk with you. We are settling everything today. Whether we end up together or just friends, the air needs to be cleared." I broke eye contact with her as I lifted her wrist and looked at her scars again.
I kissed them then looked back at her and kissed her cheek. "Okay?" I asked still wanting to assure she was comfortable.
"Okay."
I left the bathroom and sat back on the bed. I felt my eyes tearing up. I knew she was hurting but self-harming herself because of me, breaks my heart.
I waited almost an hour for her to come out. When she finally did, she was dressed with a long sleeve shirt of mine and shorts that were also mine.
"Can we talk now?"
She nodded and sat on the bed with me. "I know that I left you. I apologize so much for that and I regret it so much. I want you to feel heard. Yell, scream, shout, rant, anything. Get everything out."
"Janet, I will literally say all the wrong things."
"Will it be honest?"
"Yes."
"Have you been wanting to say something to me?"
"Yes, but I—"
"Will it let you give me a chance?"
She hesitated her answer this time. But she eventually nodded. "Maybe." She said.
"Then let it go, baby. Let that weight off. I am all ears and I want to move on from this in hopes of starting over with you. This is for us."
"Us?"
"Us."
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