Shawn.
"It was the day after you left my car. I was more heartbroken than one could imagine. You taking off the necklace really fucked me up. I knew things were bound to change, hell, I had a girlfriend, but I didn't think you'd completely give up on us."
I didn't want to cry so I took a deep breath before continuing. "I went home, tried to call Gil but he wouldn't answer. So I was all by myself in my own thoughts and I didn't... I didn't want.." I broke down just like that. Tears eased their way down my cheek, making Janet scoot closer to me.
She rubbed my leg and wiped my face for the second time today. "Didn't want what, Shawn? I told you, you can say anything." She soothingly said.
"I didn't want t-to live without y-you." I cried as I begun to lose my breath. Janet threw her arms around and pulled me into a hug.
"Baby, I need you to breathe. You are getting ahead of yourself. We have all the time in the world. Don't rush it." She rubbed up and down my back, before getting ahold of my face and forcing me to stare in her eyes. "I will love you no matter what you say to me right now." She said.
"I wanted to die." I whispered. "You made me want to die."
I saw a tear escape her eye but she was quick to wipe it away. "Janet, I cried nonstop for weeks. I didn't know how to get over the woman I love and I couldn't come to terms with ending myself because I couldn't do that to you."
"You don't have to protect me."
"But I do!" I shouted at her bluntness. "Regardless of title, you are my girl. I cannot even help myself anymore. My love for you runs too deep. It's been a year and some change and here I am crawling right back to you."
"Hey." She interrupted, "You didn't crawl back. I dragged you here because I would've fallen apart going this all without, and this needed to happen."
"I made the four lines as a reminder. I would always love you, but I can never trust you again." I said.
Janet.
"And why not?" I asked calmly although I was a tad bit angered by that statement.
"You broke me."
"Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you desperately don't want to, but it's been on my mind since that conversation we had in the car. No actually since the conversation at the hospital."
"Go ahead."
"Why would your ex say what she said? It must've came from somewhere. Did you think I that I had an STD? Did you ever get tested while we were together because you thought I did have something?"
She broke eye contact with me and began fiddling with her fingers. "It was only twice." She confessed rather quietly.
I scoffed and got off the bed. I don't want to yell but I am pissed off right now.
That's embarrassing to me. My own girlfriend thought I had something and never came to me to ask or anything. She assumed.
"When?"
"After the cabin thing and after Q-Tip left. I—"
"The cabin, Shawn? I– What!" I snapped. "I chased you and you thought that all the while, I had slept with someone as I did?!"
"Janet..."
"JaNeT, i DiDn'T mEaN iT!" I yelled, mocking her usual statement. "You could've asked!"
She looked me dead in the eye for so long. Time stopped and my fury was burning me alive.
"I'm leaving." She said.
"No, you're not." I said stepping her way of the door.
"So, I'm your prisoner?" She sassed.
I grabbed her shirt and pulled her into a kiss. I tried to tongue her down but she sealed her lips. I slapped her ass, and held a good chunk of it causing her mouth to open as she moaned in my mouth. I took that as my opportunity to slip in.
I wrapped my hand around the back of her neck deepening the kiss. She was kissing me back, but the feeling of this makeout wasn't like previous times.
She pulled back. "Janet, no!" She shouted.
I pushed her away from me. "No to you, Shawn. I was hurting too! The one person I thought I could trust broke my heart." I cried. "This whole thing is stupid. I don't know why I tried." I continued.
"I'm sorry for hurting you, baby. I truly am. Had I known what our break up did to you, you know damn well, I would've came sooner. Had I known that I made you depressed and hit rock bottom, I would've came to you. It is my fault for not realizing you were hurting too. I got caught up in my own head and my own hurt and Shai, that you were not my priority. I forgive you for everything. I don't want to be fighting with you anymore. I don't want to walk around like the hurt girl anymore. I forgive you and I love you." I finished.
I moved to the side and opened the door for her. "You aren't my prisoner. I am letting you go, Shawn. For real this time. You don't have to love me, you don't have to trust me." I said with tears freely flowing.
She walked to me and pulled me back into a hug. When she pulled back, she had tears in her eyes like I did. "That was the first genuine apology you've given me. Ever." She said amongst her tears.
I felt overwhelmed by her response and pulled her back into a hug. "I'm so sorry, baby." I said again.
"I am, too, Jan." She kissed my neck. "It's okay. We will try to our best this time. Give everything." She lifted my head and looked at me.
"We'll give it another go. I'm not ready for you to let me go just yet. Okay? I.. I love you." Shawn said.
I nodded and felt the weight of the world released from my chest. All the hurt, all the sadness, all the tears and bickering, led to this moment.
I was willing to do whatever it took to make Shawn happy. Whatever it took to make this relationship a forever thing with no more troubles.
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