matty healy, falling in love over night

matty

3 months later for matty- september

mattys pov

"GEORGE!" i yelled at my best friend as i ran to him

"ORIGHT" he yelled back

"god it's good to be back" i laughed

"missed you healy"

"should think so too"

"how was it?" he asked avoiding eye contact

"oi fuck off look at me, it was fine, i'm fine. i'm still me and we are still us"

"but are you okay?"

"i feel a lot more comfortable with my sobriety" i told him. and i meant it. i think this was what i needed. i was at rock bottom and i didn't have anywhere else to go but up.

"okay mate well i even cleaned your room a bit so" he laughed putting his hands up

"perfect husband" i joked

"i'll take a shower n then we can do sommet yeah george?"

"oright!"

i walked back into my room, it felt weird being here now. the bed was exactly where i left it but the bedding was just white linen. the windows slightly open to let air in and nothing but water and cigarettes on my night stand.
the picture of me and grace that use to be on the chester draws had gone. i didn't know where but i assumed it was george.

i suddenly panicked remembering the letter she wrote months ago. i still hadnt opened it because i knew once i did we couldn't go back. but i think now i knew we were done. my heart was tired of fighting and i hurt her so badly. i opened my drawers and fished the letter out from beneath my socks.

taking a deep breathe i began to read

dear matty,

i'm writing this because i can't stand to see your face. i don't want you anywhere near me and i know i have a good mind to file for custody. i won't. i'm not going to deprive you of seeing your child but that's all.

gemma told me everything, the whole relationship was just a lie. the thing is matty i was ready to give up everything for you. i was going to take you back, move back in and let us start again. what an idiot i am

don't be mad at gemma, she just told me what the rest of you hid from me for months. in fact, gemma has been the only truthful one i've had around me for fucking years. because that's how long we were together matty, that's how long you lied for. years.

i don't know what you've been doing for the past few weeks and i don't care either, if your on drugs i suggest you get your self clean because i will get lawyers involved if you are. as for gabby i don't care, i hope you two are very happy together, you both deserve each other

i've moved from london and i will give you my address when you need it, for now you don't. so don't ask anybody because only a select few know and they won't tell you. no matter what you say.

i guess this letter is the final goodbye really, obviously i am going to see and talk to you again but this is goodbye to what we were. i thought the goodbye in spain was the worst one, tears and pain but this ones worse. because it's final. i won't revisit what we were, from now on you will be nothing but a bad memory.

i wasted so much time on you matty so much fucking time. but i have the best people around me and you haven't broken me. you came close but i wouldn't give you the satisfaction of that.

i guess i have to rethink a lot of my life now. a lot of it's a lie. i want to blame you for george not telling me but i guess i can't completely do that. it's still your fault though.

i don't want you to try and contact me, i've changed my numbers and emails. jamie has my email but it's not the one i regularly use. if you need to know something urgently go through him. if not, don't try to reach me because i will ignore you.

i hope you find peace, and i mean that. you are so fucked up. you treat people like you see their souls, i showed you mine and you still stamped on it.

i think you need help, you suffocate people matty, you make them live and breathe matty healy until the are forced to run because they can't stand the air.

i guess all that's left to say is i hope you find somebody who can be enough for you. because i wasn't, and i gave you my everything. i gave and gave until i couldn't anymore. i hope you find someone who is enough to fill the dead holes inside you.

goodbye matty

i knew she hated me but i didn't know she resented me. the worst part was all the words were true. there want a lie in there. i did cheat on her for the entirety of our relationship, i did make her best friends lie to her and more than anything, i did need people to fill the dead space inside me. but she was helping to fill them. i guess gabby was too, in a really fucked up way.

i thought about writing a letter back, saying i'm sorry and explaining everything but at the same time i didn't want to put her through that.

i decided i should probably check my emails to see if there was anything from jamie

email from jamie

hey mate, let's catchup asap i wanna see how you are.
also you need to see grace, there's a cafe in manchester, ill message you the address tomorrow if your free for that? don't fuck it up yeah

ps: it's a girl

my head was spinning, i didn't even think about the gender of the baby. it had completely slipped my mind. that's how much of a shit dad i am.

i types an email back quickly telling him i was free tomorrow. i wanted to see grace. i know she hates me, i know. but god i miss her, everything about her. like the way she combs through her long hair and how she scrunches her nose when she hates something.

i smiled at myself in the mirror, i was messed up and i looked sick. but i was seeing my favourite person tomorrow even if i wasn't hers. maybe we could be okay?