matty healy, falling in love over night

six months later

six months later everything was okay.

matty had become a permanent indentation on our couch, but he was "living" in a bnb close by and gemma was leaving to travel the world with her friend tomorrow.

we had spent a lot of time drunk this past week as i'd finished breast feeding and matty decided he wanted to play mother hen for gemma's last week.

we confessed most things the first night like our first kiss, stupid things that we never got to know about each other.

tonight was our final night together for months and i was terrified to be without her

"heya" she said walking into the living room with two bottles of red wine and two long stem glasses

"he's asleep in my room with rose don't worry" i said reading her mind

things had been awkward for the past six months, matty was here every single day. he slept at a bnb close by but mostly passed out on our couch.

he was a good dad, nobody was denying him of that,  me and gemma had just spent the best part of the last sixth months avoiding him in any way we could.

we didn't speak unless it was about rose and i liked it that way

"thankya" i said as she poured my glass full

"i missed drinking so much" i laughed

"i'm gonna miss you"

"gem"

"no let me be sad i love you" she said

"promise you will come home?" i asked her. gemma was never one for settling down and i was worried i wouldn't see her again

"i will always come home, you're my person ya know?"

i drained the glass of wine quickly before pouring another

"your what?" i giggled

"you're my safety net"

"i love you"

"and i love you grace, let's get drrrunnnk"

"i think i'm halfway there"

"YOUVE HAD ONE"

"shhh rose!"

"shit" she laughed

"i've not drank in 9 months let me be a lightweight" i laughed pushing her arm

"grace?" she sternly said

"yes yes yes gem gem"

"shutup it's serious you idiot" she hissed

"go on then"

"okay so i never told the full truth about matty"

i sat up straight instantly and i felt un drunk all of a sudden

"okay?" i said

"we were together since i was 15, that's when we officially got together, yes he cheated on me throughout everything, you know that. but he also ... he also ... i got pregnant and he told me if i didn't abort it he'd leave me"

i sat shocked

"i'm not telling you this so you'll hate him even more, that's not it, i just .. i want you to know it all because you are my best friend"

"gem i'm, i'm so so sorry"

"it's okay, i've has years to grow from it" but even as she said it the tears were falling down her cheeks

"gemma don't cry please" i said rubbing her arm

"i just see you with rose and i think 'that could have been me' you know? and it's it's it's selfish and i'm sorry but"

"gem come here" i said holding her as she cried

i held her for so long i forgot where we were, the room was spinning at this point and i just didn't want to let her go. the drunken feeling hadn't left my body and i felt posed by someone i didn't fully know. i cried for gemma and what could have been and i cried because i didn't know matty at all, i knew our relationship was no longer and hadn't been for a long time but i still cried knowing that even when we were together i didn't really know him.

i didn't know how i could face matty after this, god she was a kid and matty took advantage of her choice. it should have been her choice like he gave me, then my mind wondered to the fact that did matty only offer me a choice because he felt guilt about what he did to gemma?

i held her arm up and helped her into bed, taking her shoes off and placing a cool glass of water beside her bed. i pulled the covers over her and shut the door.

matty was in the kitchen as soon as i padded through, i held nothing for him now. this had completely washed away the anger. to me he was just a stranger in my ex boyfriends clothes.

i got a bottle of water for myself and completely avoided anything to do with him. it wasn't my place to fight, gemma had healed from it so i wasn't going to bring it up, but i couldn't help feeling sick

"hey" he said

i nodded not really acknowledging him even though it still hurt to do so, i really wanted to be able to say that i'd fully healed from him but i hadn't, and god that hurt to admit.

i hated having to see him every day in our flat, i hated that he got to be happy and walk away from what we had without any hurt or regret or anything about the way he treat me. i hated it and maybe a part of me did hate him still.

maybe i hated him so much because a small, small part of me really did love him