matty healy, falling in love over night

the album

today was the day. the album was being released today and i could tell gemma was scared too. i was terrified.

the release date was 12am, gemma and me had decided that she would get drunk and i would not. obviously.

we'd already seen the track list and i had a vague idea which ones were about me. i also saw one that i'm pretty sure is about gemma, she acts like it doesn't hurt and she just hugs her knees like it will go away. i'm almost scared for her to listen incase it takes her back to when she was younger. i don't want matty to have that hold on her but i know he does.

it was already 11pm and gemma was drunk. red wine and more red wine. i'd lit some candles to disperse the smell a little but it wasn't really working. it was okay though, as long as she was okay.

"one houuuuuur to go" she said

"i'm scared" i admitted

"me too"

we stayed sat together until the clock went 12, gemma went straight for "change of heart" whereas i chose "please be naked"

i watched her fall apart in front of me within the first few verses, her hair seemed to fall flat and her eyes welled up countless times. she bit her lip in order to not make a sound but i knew she wanted to cry and yell because i felt the same way

i cried. i cried a lot while listening to it. i remember it clearly because when he was walking back to our flat in london he text me saying

"walking home"
"please be naked"

i could hear london everywhere and it made me sob, gemma was in her own world i pain right now but i just couldn't be there for her.
i listened again. i could hear the cars and the streets taking me back to when i thought i was happy.
and again.
it never got less beautiful.

the worst part is i let myself think dow why it would be like if we were still together. we would be listening to the album together, my head in his lap and hand on his.
he could stroke my hair while i cried and then he'd laugh at me for being too emotional.

we'd listen the whole way through and he would tell me things he was proud of, i'd listen in awe and pretend to be bored to annoy him when really i just loved to listen to him talk for hours and hours. i could never get bored of it.

i finally snapped out of it and hugged gemma

"that's yours?" i asked

"mmh yep"

"i'm sorry" i told her

"it's whatever you know"

"how did you know it was yours?" i asked

"he always use to tell me i belonged on a magazine, and i our my sale on instagram once"

"he's awful" i said looking away from her, gemma was the sweetest soul and she didn't deserve this

"and yours?" she asked

"he text me once while walking home to our london flat saying please be naked"

"i'm so sorry grace" she said once she saw my eyes welling up

"i shouldn't be crying" i said frustrated

"no you have every right to be sad and annoyed and hurt"

"so do you"

she wiped her eyes and sniffled a bit before asking me if i'd found mine

"i don't think we are crying because of him" she said

"you don't?" i questioned

"no, we are crying because of what he put us through and the art he chose to make from it"

"i don't know .. i think i'm still mourning for the man i THINK i lost"

"just roll with it okay" she laughed

a few moments of quiet passed while we sat with what we just heard

"i only found one of them, he told me before a lot were for me though" i admitted

"wanna didn't the rest?" she asked

"nah its late i'm gonna crash"

"okay babe, love ya" she said

"love ya gem"

i walked to my room and shut the door before playing
"i like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it"

this hurt too, because he spoke the words to me before. i loved everything about it, it was soft and heartbreaking but also made me feel i could love again. love after matty. i cried a lot that night to the instrumentals, they were such a beautiful reminder of what we were. no. snap out of it i told myself. what you "were" was a lie. nothing more.

i couldn't understand how someone could lie so well, i almost believed we were in love. he'd made something so beautiful that if i were someone else you wouldn't be able to convince me otherwise.

it wasn't fair. he got this art out of our supposed relationship whereas i got sleepless nights and constant pain, i got running away from london because i couldn't breathe the same air as him.

i put please be naked back on and sat and cried some more, i cried for myself, i cried for the fact london wasn't the same, i couldn't go back and not see pain and hurt everywhere, i cried for lia and how she deserved more. i cried fro gemma because she was so strong despite the hurt she had endured and i cried for me again. i cried so much i thought i'd never stop. i wanted to scream and yell but i just cried to the song. it helped.