The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 78, The conscience

/ First Person Protagonist POV / 

Before Leone could leave, I had abruptly stopped her, " Leone, wait. I still have a question..." I told her. The young nurse turned around on her heels and headed back towards me. " Yes, miss?" She asked. I tilted my head to the side and sighted, " I told you not to call me 'miss',  Leone. It makes me a little uncomfortable, plus, there's no need to, I'm no higher status than you here." I told her, even if I knew that wasn't true, but I technically was supposed to be a captured bounty, a prisoner. 

" None sense, y/n. I'll call you by your name because you requested it, not because of your status. But, you know, the Final Order... need you. You can use the force, right? Like the Jedi!" She exclaimed in a hushed tone, taking a seat in the stool next to my bed. " Or the Sith..." I mumbled illegibly. 

" Pardon?" She asked. 

I smiled and shook my head, " oh, it was nothing. Don't worry about it." I said. Leone stood back up and dusted off her attire, smiling back at me. " Well, y/n. I'll leave you rest for good now." She said as she started walking back towards the door. " Watch your back, always. There might be people who do not wish the best for you." She muttered so low I could barely hear her, and she hurried out of the room swiftly after.

What does she mean by that?! I told myself a little worried.

/ Time Skip / 

It had been an hour since Leone had left me talking with myself, trying to sort any sense of the warning she had gave me, and attempting to converse with my conscience. Bloody hope, stupid war. I lamented as I rolled my eyes. So many people think so high of me, they expect so much from me. I can't do the things they await from me, I sighted. I just happen to be force sensitive, so what? I am not like Kylo, o Rey. I can fight like a Praetorian Guard, not yield a lightsaber properly like a Jedi, and I can barely interact with the force when I want to, it just comes and goes without my control. 

I scowled and sat up, angry at myself. I want to be good at being a force sensitive, I sighted. Like the Jedi's before the galactic empire, or the Sith. Why do I have to choose what side to be on like that? Not like anyone can tell me if I have to be a Jedi or a Sith, they're all dead anyways. I looked around the room, a little bit angry, and my eyes focused on the jar that was on a little side table to my right. 

Perfect, I told myself as I breathed heavily.

I extended my hand in front of the jar, and concentrated in moving it with the force. Nothing happened, and I closed my eyes harder and pushed my mind more. I heard the jar move, and I opened my eyes, it was levitated a little bit off the table. I laughed and a large smile formed on my face. I had done it! " I- I did it!" I exclaimed, even if there was no one here. 

The jar started wobbling, even though my hand was still extended the same way it was, and I stared in disbelief as it fell and shattered on the floor and the table. Of course... I lamented as I plopped back down onto the bed, hopeless. I'll never be able to be a proper force user. Hell, I've probably got the lowest concentration of midi-chlorians in history. Is it even possible to have like, two per cell? I pondered bitingly. I stared at the roof miserably, letting my mind and heart drown in the sorrow of my incapability as a force sensitive. It really sucked. 

I remained immobile, throwing the covers over my face, becoming a little cocoon of despair, grumbling over my little miserable existence and uselessness. My heart ached with the agony I caused it. 

I furrowed my eyebrows and sat up. I am not to remain miserable like this, neither will I just lay here and do nothing. I told myself with certainty as I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. I concentrated on focusing on the objects surrounding me, and myself, until all I could hear was my breathing echoed around the room. Focus on the force, y/n. Focus. My little conscience repeated soothingly. 

You are strong, 

You are one. 

You must reunite with who you are...

It is all inside you. The strength, the force. 

Seek, and you should find.

The little conscience in my mind whispered these words, so clearly. Reunite with who I am? Seek and find? " What does that even mean?" I asked into the air, desperate for answers. It is all inside me, the strength, the force... Couldn't hurt to try. I enclosed myself in my blank thoughts, following the whisper of the conscience, trying to see from where it came from.

I entered a state of mind I had never before, it reminded me of the meditation aura Rey had told me about, and I had attempted many times without success. Unlike the other times, my mind didn't overflood with thoughts and overthinking, instead, there was nothing on my mind, yet, it felt as if I was thinking a thousand thoughts at the same time, somehow organized and prosperous. 

I opened my eyes slowly and skimmed the room, but it looked different. It wasn't the cold metal hospital room. There was something flowing around the room, something warm and familiar, yet I had never seen it before so clearly. There was a little round ball made from metal that laid on a table a couple yards away from me, and I concentrated all my energy on it, not forcing my mind to focus on the object. 

I raised my hand, facing it towards the metal ball, and loosened the tension in my fingers. Come to me... I whispered mentally. I couldn't feel anything else than the energy around me, around everything. Suddenly, my mind was flooded with the same nightmares I had suffered in Mesoriaam, the same voice ordering me to flee, the same lightning and screaming of people. 

I shot my eyes open, not noticing I had even closed them, and gasped for air, as if I hadn't been breathing. There was something cold in my hand, and I looked: the metal ball. I couldn't bring myself to be happy about it as I had been with the jar, the mental blurry images had taken over my thoughts, and I hadn't noticed the presence of someone else in the room.

Hux...

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K, BYE NOW. 

Yes, I am leaving this chapter with the suspense of Leone's warning, the nightmares, and Hux's appearance... Not for long. But still.

I swear that when I wrote, ' becoming a little cocoon of despair, grumbling over my little miserable existence and uselessness.' I FELT THAT. That was like, next level self explanatory.

I liked this chapter, especially how it has two different moods: us being miserable and sad boi hours, and us being all force connected and stuff.

I CANNOT SAY HOW MUCH I AM EXCITED TO SHARE MUCH EVENTS THAT HAVE BEEN, MENTIONED, BUT NOT EXPLAINED. ( LIKE... SPOLIER: THE NIGHTMARES.)

GBU;VVNA;WUOVNILUSEZSDNCK.

 I'M OK....

I've noticed something good, but rare: I haven't had much of a writer's block. My mind is fizzing and over boarded with ideas for the fanfic. I MEAN, I SURE HOPE SO. I spent months planning the first part out! And then TROS comes out, and I'm like. WELL. IM SCREWED. But not really, which is totally irrelevant but I still wanted to share C:

Hope you liked the chapter as much as I liked writing it and reading it! Can't wait to publish more!

Best wishes to you! Wherever and whoever you are, just know I am so grateful and thankful for the support you have all given me and this story, I couldn't thank you enough !

- Camille