The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 122, Penance

/ Third Person POV /

( Kylo's perspective ) ( One day earlier )

The hangar in the secluded yet beautiful nation of Lake County had become silent once more. There wasn't the slightest revving of a space craft's engine. Only the slightest echoing of Kylo's breathing. 

Even after the yellow Naboo Starfighter had flown out of eyesight, he stayed right where he had been the whole time. What he was still doing there, Kylo didn't know. Maybe hoping he'd hear the graceful sound of the ship landing in the hangar again, and the fast echoing footsteps of y/n running back towards him.

But Kylo knew that wouldn't happen. 

He knew the moment he'd let her on that Starfighter, that was it. The ship had been the key to unlocking a new chapter of y/n's life, a chapter that didn't include the First Order, and Kylo feared it would mean it didn't include himself either. 

When he tried to walk away, he couldn't. It was like he was glued to the floor of the marble hangar. When his mind instructed his legs to move, they wouldn't listen, and somewhere in him, Kylo knew his mind didn't want to leave the place either. 

The aroma of lavender and vanilla that belonged to y/n was still faintly present in the hangar, like a part of her was still there, even if by now, Kylo expected her to be systems away, trying to find the rebellion, or her possibly deceased mentor Pha Stett, the woman from the memory that had unlocked y/n's forgotten life. 

Kylo felt weak. He felt salty tears threatening to fall, but nothing happened. His outer appearance remained as cold and unreadable as it had always been for the past eleven years, but something was off. Never had Kylo thought he'd grow to be dependent of someone. Yet he needed y/n. He needed her in order to feel reassured, to feel loved. He needed her to breathe. 

Every passing second knowing she was gone, out in the galaxy filled with betrayal from those you'd least expect it from, and dangers lurking close at all times, it was suffocating. His will to live had fled in a Starfighter. 

The light of his darkened world had begun to falter further away from him. Kylo had found someone to fight for, for the first time in so long, and no matter how much commitment he had inside of him to keep fighting at whatever cost for y/n, it wasn't that easy. It was never that easy. 

Kylo took one last inhale at the disappearing aroma and placed his helmet over his head slowly, almost seemingly in slow motion. He was now breathing a new air. Oxygen less pure than the one that he and y/n, as well as the rest of the world shared, and it gave the sensation of being poisoned each time air filled his lungs. 

Kylo walked away, for good this time. His mind and his body were compatible once again, but there was a torment growing in his heart more noticeable with each step. She's left again. He thought to himself. 

Everyone Kylo had ever loved had left, and it had built so much hatred and anger inside of him, so much that he struggled to keep it under control. Except this leave was distinct. It didn't cause Kylo anger or hate, just sadness. Even with the slight bit of joy in his heart, to know he had done the right thing even if it was destroying him interiorly, but now she was following her path, and not the road the First Order or the dark side had been forcing her to take. 

His steps echoed down the marble halls of his retreat on Lake Country, heading in the direction of his living quarters, which would probably be destroyed by the end of the day. Kylo felt his aura of dominance and evil crumble down around him, but the tense passerby troopers and generals said otherwise, though he didn't care one bit anymore.

It had been the same with every time y/n had left. He felt powerless, he felt defeated and couldn't bring himself to do anything about it for days. He would mourn over nobody's death, but the parting of his other half. 

But this wasn't a parting, was it? Kylo wanted nothing more than a positive answer to that question, and y/n had told him, that it wouldn't be the last time they saw each other even if they tried avoiding one another's associations. 

Closing the door behind him, Kylo threw his helmet across the room, shattering a vase in the process. He couldn't help it. But this time, it wasn't infinite anger consuming him, hence his lightsaber hilt remained attached to its sheath. It was sadness. 

Kylo had gone through many shattering events in his life, but somehow nothing seemed to get him as much as this. Not even the betrayal of his uncle Luke that led the young Ben Solo to complete his transition into the darkness, and his father's death came close to comparing itself to the torment Kylo felt. 

Y/n had done what Kylo had sworn himself not to do: pierce the ice cold evil around his heart. Shatter it until it was non existent. Kylo couldn't deny a large part of him felt like his past Ben, and it scared him. 

He wanted to take her hand back in the hangar. It was as tempting as his had been twice before when becoming an apprentice and a Knight of Ren. Kylo's body almost betrayed his mind when he flinched at the sight of her hand extended towards him. 

No matter how much he didn't want to admit it, Kylo wanted to take her hand and climb aboard the star fighter towards a distant planet where they could be happy together, and yet he didn't. He couldn't put y/n's life in danger with a simple foolish act. The emperor would know, and he wouldn't let that slip through his fingers.

Kylo opened his teary eyes, which he hadn't noticed were closed or crying. His knees had given up on holding the weight of his remorse, and they had fallen, along with the rest of his body leaning on the door. 

It reminded him of a weak child, but Kylo couldn't care less once again. He stood up and walked towards his helmet on the ground. He let it rest on the table of his living quarters and walked towards his private balcony, stepping on top of the shattered vase carelessly. 

The soft breeze of Lake Country caressed his face, playing around with the strands of his dark hair. Kylo closed his eyes and breathed deeply, taking in every aroma and sound of the place. This was the beauty of the galaxy, but it felt so imcomplete. 

For the first time in years, Kylo didn't want it all to himself. He wanted to share this beautiful view with someone dear to him. That someone being y/n. ' You know, y/n, one day, you and I will look at this same view every day.' The promise whispered in the wind, haunting Kylo with the idea that he may not be able to fulfill his words.  

Though he had determination. He hadn't let y/n go all the other times, and he wasn't going to do so for this time. She was right after all. They somehow ended up by reuniting, sometimes in the most unexpected ways, but nonetheless, they were together. He had made a promise to her, a promise for a better future that had the two of them together, and he wasn't ready to let that go either. 

" I won't let you down." 

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And another Kylo POV!!!

I really like them, because it gives me a chance to really describe his troubling character. There isn't dialogue, but the way he interacts with his own mind, I find it to be fulfilling for a chapter in some way?

Anyways, sorry for the wait!!! But here is the awaited chapter 122!!! Oh my gosh. 122... ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY TWO?! I can't even- 

I hope you guys liked the chapter even if it differs from the carefree attitude ones in your pov with Din Din bestie! 

Best regards,

- Camille