The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 104, Profess

/ First Person Protagonist POV / 

I clung tightly to Kylo's black uniform shirt, like my life depended on it. I had the biggest headache I never thought was humanly possible, but after all: I had recovered the memories from all those years that didn't exist to me before a couple seconds ago. 

" Kylo..." I muttered, with my voice almost breaking. " I remember." 

Kylo's grip around me tightened, as he buried his chin on top of my head, forming a protective aura around me. " Y/n, I am sorry." He whispered, and I could hear the honesty in his words. " I'm so sorry." He mumbled, almost to himself. As if he felt guilty for what had happened to me.

 " Why? It's not your fault." I asked, because Kylo seemed to be bothered by something else, something that didn't have to do with the horrible fate that had costed my memories. " You don't deserve to remember something like that, and in they way you did. It makes me feel... almost guilty to have made you remember such an event." Kylo said with uncertainty. 

" But what for, Kylo? It happened in the past. None of us can do anything to change that." I reassured him, leaning my head on his chest to hear the soothing sound of his heart beating. 

" And, don't be sorry. You did it. You accessed my memories, you gave them back to me." I said, cupping one of his cheeks with my hand, stroking my thumb against his soft skin. Kylo's gaze drifted away from my eyes, staring blankly at his apartment. " And I will forever be thankful for it. I hope you know that." I added. 

" Can I ask you something?" Kylo said, turning to look back at me. That's something I loved and sometimes hated about him: he always looked at the person he was addressing to. Always pierced through my eyes with the intensity of his. " Of course. Anything." I replied, astounded he was asking for permission to question me. Kylo never did that, and I never thought he ever would. 

" Why did you want me to access your memories? To help you remember the ones you had lost?" Kylo asked. 

Dammit, I muttered in my head. How I hoped he wasn't going to ask that. I felt the blood boil to my cheeks because of the uncomfortable situation I was now in, and I closed my eyes for long seconds before opening them slowly. " I told you already. I wanted to know who I am, not to feel lost, like I didn't belong anywhere." I babbled out, trying to sound convincing, because that was partly true, either way. 

" Y/n, no more secrets between us, please." Kylo murmured. He hadn't believed me. 

I sighed and crawled out of his grip, sitting in front of him properly. " What I told you is partially true, Kylo." I began saying. " But it's not all. You see, when I was in the hospital earlier, resting for countless hours, as I told you before: I had the time to think, to meditate." Kylo leaned against the counter of the small kitchen of his apartment without breaking the ye contact, and paid all attention on me. 

" I've never told anyone before, not like there was anyone to tell, but in those times, I'm not alone." I whispered, convincing myself that opening up entirely to Kylo was the right choice, after all, he had said it: no more secrets between us. " What do you mean: you weren't alone?" Kylo said in a defensive tone. After what had happened with Leone Odan, I knew Kylo was now not trusting on anyone around me. 

" Not like that. Not in the way you think." I mumbled. " Promise me you will not think I'm crazy, or anything like that?" I asked, realizing how those words had given the idea to doubt me actually being mad. Kylo nodded his head with uncertainty, and his eye brows furrowed in worry a little  bit. " I promise." He said, which sort of reassured me a little bit. 

I took a deep breath, " the thing is, since my earliest recollection of the past year... Since Mesoriaam, I've never been alone... mentally." As I finished that phrase, I took a quick peek to see Kylo's reaction, but it remained neutral. " I don't know what, or who it is, but there's this voice, if I can call it that. A conscience with a mind of its own, in my head." I muttered, pointing at the back of my skull.