The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 89, torn and tormented

/ First Person Protagonist POV /

I was taken back by Kylo's sudden urge and vulnerable beg to request I reconsider changing my opinion of joining the Knights of Ren. I had seen Kylo in a sensitive self a couple times, and every time it happened, it broke my heart into thousands of little shards. The strong and imposing man that could take whatever he wanted, when he wanted was now a scared boy in my arms, and me in his.

" Why, Kylo?" I asked, a little doubtful and curious on why Kylo seemed as if he were going to cry. 

To my surprise, he didn't reply. Kylo just seemed to fall further onto the floor until he wasn't kneeling anymore: he was sitting down weakly on the cold metal ground and I was next to him, trying to find a more comfortable way to sit without interrupting his sensible moment. 

The hug we had shared had ended as Kylo passed his gloved fingers through his beautiful and complex jet black hair before holding his head with both hands on his cheeks all the way to his forehead, and his elbows on his knees, as if his head was too heavy for him to lift it up and he needed the support of other of his limbs.

I remained quiet, I supposed he needed time, and I would give him the space he needs to process my denial and for him to think of a reply or a valid answer to his phase of vulnerability. He looked so lost, his eyes wondered around pointlessly at every where and no where at the same time. I tried to calm him down by placing my warm hand on his right cheek, and instead of pulling it away, he turned his head to the side and rested on my palm, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. 

" A- are you alright?" I asked him after a couple minutes in silence in a muttered tone. Kylo didn't reply, he just shifted his eyes and locked them with mine. His eyes were filled with a storm of confusion and pain, and I couldn't help but have the same feeling flood my heart at that moment. I had rarely seen him like this: Kylo was really torn, and he looked almost scared. 

" Kylo... You're worrying me, tell me what is going on?" I asked him again, but it sounded more like a demand and not a question. Instead of replying, he stood up, letting my hand fall from his cold cheek and onto my lap, and sat down on one of the metal chairs of the interrogation room. I looked away, not letting him see that my eyes were a little bit watery and hurt because he constantly was ignoring me for the past couple moments. 

I shook off the stabbing feeling of hurtful knives piercing my heart, that was invading me and stood up too, fisting my hands and painfully stabbing my nails into the palms of my hand to prevent me from letting my emotional pain over power the physical one I was inflicting myself . It was easier, now that I had learned how to burry my facial expressions and my feelings deep inside me, but when I am with Kylo, all the walls I have built to hide what I feel. 

I sat down on the chair in front of him with my back straight and my hands intertwined together firmly in front of me on the table, as if I was the one interrogating Kylo. He held his head with his hands, his fingers tightly tangled in his now messy black hair. " Kylo." I said, a little more firm and almost annoyed that he was ignoring my questions. This seemed to catch his attention, as he let his hands fall on the metal table with a little unpleasant sound as the leather hit the metal, but he still looked at a non specific point at the table, he looked undecided and brainwashed, it was sad and dire to watch him like this. If there was one person no one ever thought would act like this, it was Kylo Ren, but I knew he could always have his moments of weakness, but none as long as this one.

" Kylo, look at me." I ordered calmingly, but he only seemed to tremble at my words and intensify his gaze on the table. " Please." I whispered, in hopes he would comply to my pleading. I hated having to beg for something so simple, and especially to the man whom I had handed my heart to willingly, and who made it flutter every time he was around. 

As if he knew how uncomfortable the situation was making me, Kylo drifted his gaze from the table and towards me, confusion and torment filled his watery eyes. I reached my hand across the table and placed my palm on top of his, interwinding my fingers around his gloved ones, Kylo had instinctively done the same, but he had still remained silent. This isn't helping. I scoffed to myself worriedly as I nervously twitched my leg.

" Stop giving me a silent treatment Kylo. Can't you see it isn't beneficial to the situation?" I muttered to him. " Is it because I don't want to join the Knights of Ren? Kylo, tell me what's going on." He looked away, as if he was embarrassed of the possible answer. " I- I deserve to know." I whispered, but loud enough so he could hear me.

Kylo turned back to look at me, and tightened the grip on my hand. " I know you do. I apologize." He said, a little emotionlessly. 

My eyes lit as he spoke, at least now he isn't ignoring me, I told myself in relief, and a little bit of worry, because now I would know what has been troubling him, I would make sure I did. " Then tell me." I answered, trying to sound as disinterested and uncurious than I really was. 

Kylo sighted as he massaged his forehead with his free hand, as if he were trying to take a brain pain that had been caused by stress. " I don't want you to get worried, y/n. That's all. I won't let them-" He started saying, but didn't finish his thought. I was growing a little bit tired of his secrecy, " let who do what? Kylo Ren: Tell me. Now." I ordered a little bit like Hux would've done, and I mentally rolled my eyes at that. 

" The generals and higher rankers of the Order, y/n. A lot of them think that you're the spy amongst us." He said firmly, with a hint of pain in his eyes. " You have to comply, no matter how much you don't want to... Or I'm afraid they'll try to extract information from you in the... typical way things are done around here." Kylo finished, eyeing the interrogation room. 

His chestnut eyes turned back to look directly into my e/c ones, " But I suspect they will do worse than that."