The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 106, contrite

/ First person POV /

( Kylo's perspective )

I wasn't ready to hear that name again. The last time I had ever listened to it: It had rolled off my father's tongue a little more than a year ago, and how after those words, the only thing that had rolled was his lifeless body falling off a platform in the Star killer base, where I had killed half of my parenting bloodline. When I had ended the last Solo. 

Hearing that name, it was like an old wound slicing open. A wound that was eleven years old, and it still was healing, it was still scarring. Y/n was silent, still catching her breath from an exhausting visit into my mind. I shouldn't have let that happen, I grounded myself mentally with hatred. How could I be so weak? How could I not block every other memory?! But especially one as private as that one, a memory I yearned to destroy, to forget. 

" What did you just say?" I muttered between sharp and fast breaths. 

Y/n's eyes were fixated on me, and her stare slowly followed as she turned her head to face me, nervousness spread all over her features as she noticed what she had huffed as she started to gain full consciousness. 

A part of me wanted to be angry, hell: infuriated. That reckless and wild part of me that thinks every thing can be solved by the yielding of a lightsaber to release anger. And then there was another part of me. It had been so small, almost non existent before me and y/n had entered each other's lives. That part wanted to tell her that it was alright, that what had escaped her mouth was a silly error, and it didn't matter. But I wouldn't lie, not to her. And I had never let anyone get away with something they'd said that I didn't like, and I wasn't sure if y/n was the exception to that rule, or if it applied to her as well. What she saw was wrong, she wasn't meant to see any recollection of the dead Ben Solo. Y/n wasn't supposed to know he ever existed, even if I knew the Resistance had already told her. 

What I was almost certain y/n wouldn't be aware of, is what the... foolish and weak Ben Solo had to do to become Kylo Ren. What I had to do to be where I am today, for the past eleven years, I was usually careless about it, bragging it to the First Order and using it as an example to spread fear in the Order and the galaxy, while never specifying what I'd done. But right now, after y/n had accidently caught a glimpse at the past I had buried deep inside my mind, I was the nervous one, even if I didn't show it on the outside. 

I didn't like this at all. I was supposed to be angry, naturally, it usually came with great ease. I should be cold and hateful because of the scene y/n saw, but I couldn't bring myself to. It was bizarre: there wasn't anger building up inside of me, waiting to explode, and my blood wasn't boiling of infuriation.

I felt repentant, almost ashamed to know that y/n was very possibly aware of how I became the man I am. I was frightened she would see me as a monster once more. I don't think I'd be able to handle that, not from the only person who really cared about me, 'Kylo Ren'. 

" I said, what did you just say?" I repeated coldly.

It sounded so cruel to talk to her like that, but it was the only thing I knew how to do when I hid what I was really feeling. I could only hurt those around me, and it pained me to know that person was y/n. She had been there. Not always, and even if I hated the remembrance of her leaving when given the opportunity, I deserved it. 

I had been so cruel and heartless towards y/n for the past year, and I hated myself for that. When I had first laid my eyes on her, in Mesoriaam, it had been so indifferent. I had felt annoyance and hatred to see someone that appeared to be as weak as her given so much importance to by Snoke. Of course, y/n possesses a connection to the force so potent that it pains, and I vividly remember despising her for not knowing and using that power.

I deserve every bit of her hatred and coldness towards me. I merit only to be insulted and death stared by y/n every time we cross paths. And yet, she hadn't done any of those things. When she had lost the fright of me, and wasn't afraid to make me aware she wasn't to be messed with like I did for so long, she didn't. Y/n showed compassion, empathy, and kindness to me. 

Why? If I was a monster. If I am still a monster. How could she have always been there? She's even told me she didn't want to be a part of the dark side anymore, and yet for a year, she has stayed by my side. Is it her supposed love towards me that makes her foolish? That blinds her? No one can ever love someone who has killed so many innocent people. No one can even slightly care about a cruel and evil man like me. 

Y/n wasn't answering to what I had asked her. She was staring to a nonspecific spot in the room, as if she was day dreaming. I didn't say anything either. What for? I didn't want to hurt her with whatever I would say.

 I was still holding y/n by the arm, without even noticing, but she hadn't backed away. Not even after what she had seen, not even after the way I had talked to her. Dammit, y/n! I wanted to yell, but I shrieked it mentally. Why are you still here?! Why do you keep coming back, every time you have the chance to leave this lifestyle, this way you're treated, you always return, why the hell are you still here? After all this time?!

My body felt weak, something that had never happened, unless I had been seriously injured. I felt drained of my energy, another thing that had never occurred in the past eleven years. 

" K... Kylo..." Y/n muttered, hesitating to say my name. 

I turned to look at her, with a desperate glance, but I tried not to make it obvious, I hated appearing weak, or with any sort of feeling of that type, even in front of y/n. I let go of her arm, not sure if I felt she was the one that needed space, or if I was the one being asphyxiated by my own thoughts. 

I nodded slightly, as if giving her permission to speak, even if I knew y/n wasn't looking for permission. She never did. She was always so free spirited- reckless, even. And that's something I loved about her. I adored how she knew her place, and wasn't afraid to stand up for herself even when an opponent had the upper hand. She never gave up, on herself or on others. She hadn't given up on me for a year, not even after all I've caused, what she had to go through because of me. She never surrendered, and I admired her so much for that. 

Y/n built up the courage to look at me dead in the eye, and her e/c irises didn't show any sign of fright or disbelief, they had a roaring fire reflected in them. A fire that wouldn't burn out any time soon. She cleared her throat slightly and grabbed her elbows with the opposite hands, giving the impression that her arms were crossed of annoyance. 

" Why did you do that?" 

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ANOTHA ONE.

Yet another Kylo POV chapter. ( I really love themmmmmmm). I've said it many times, but I'll say it again: I love to write how Kylo is feeling, because we can't really know what's going on in his head otherwise. 

I did my little research, and like: KYLO'S BEEN IN THE FIRST ORDER FOR 11 YEARS?!!! LIKE WHOT. SINCE HE WAS 19. BOI. REALLY. 

This chapter was like a mood swing. He goes from surprised/angry, to desperately sad and lost, to anxious, to admirative. KYLO, YOU GOOD?

I hope you liked the chapter!!!! I can't wait to publish more! ( Also, sorry for the long update, I know it's been a couple days...)

- Camille