The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 107, remorse

/ First Person Protagonist POV / 

My head was pounding uncontrollably. Going inside Kylo's mind, and fighting the urge to be dragged back out with full force had exhausted me to no end, I felt both physically and mentally drained. So much, that I hadn't noticed the soft murmur that had escaped my lips, and even if it was only a huff under my breath, I knew Kylo's piercing sense of hearing had heard what I had said. ' Ben'. 

I had expected Kylo's response to be exactly the way it had been: with the coldness in his voice and a visible anger outburst he was trying to retain. With my body still shaky and my mind still recovering from the large pain, I couldn't even reply to what he had asked me right after I had muttered his name- his now deceased name. There was a ringing in my ear, I hadn't been able to hear what Kylo had said as a response, I could only rock my heavy feeling head slightly forward and backwards, with my eyes wide open. 

I was slowly regaining consciousness, and I stared at Kylo. We were still pretty close to each other, and I could see his jaw clenching often, and his eyes shaking a little bit. Yes, shaking. I had never seen his complex and glassy eyes look like they were about to shatter, but right now, they did. Kylo's grip on me weakened, and I stepped back a little bit, getting a grip of my courage that was wondering around my mind dispersed. 

" Why did you do that?" I asked, being unspecific. 

Kylo's body tensed slightly at the hearing of my words, even if he was a master at hiding his body language, at the moment, he didn't seem to care. I then thought why the question was so hard to answer for him, as he had remained quiet for a couple long seconds now. Of course. Kylo's probably thinking I'm talking about the memory I saw. Why the young boy that looked exactly like him was in that scenario. I slapped my forehead mentally at my unawareness. 

" Why did you let- force me inside your head." I corrected myself, this time specifying.

Kylo let out a small exhale of relief, as his body calmed, his tensed shoulders now falling back to their original broad and resting pose. He looked away from me, as if he was ashamed of the answer, and his shoulders tensed again, perhaps thinking that this question wasn't better than asking why the young Ben Solo had slaughtered his comrades in order to become Kylo Ren.

Kylo took a deep, long breath and turned back to look at me, with determination in his eyes, but maybe it was something else, I couldn't really tell. " I had to show you the recollection." He briefly stated, being oddly vague. I tilted my head to the side in confusion. " Why? What did that memory have to say that you couldn't? Why cant you tell me instead?" I questioned, trying to piece together what Kylo was saying. He wasn't making any sense. 

" I couldn't tell you. I didn't know how... to find the right words. You'd hate me for it." He babbled out, making no sense at all. For a split second, I thought it was adorable when Kylo looked nervous and stuttered like a shy kid, but I got reminded of the situation we were in: the memory of the cloaked man in the bizarre and dark planet I could recognize slightly, but couldn't place where from. 

" Hate you? What for?" I questioned further, not really sure if I was ready to hear his answer, but I wanted to know.

Kylo looked away once again, and I walked up to him, placing a hand on his cheek and pushing his face to look at me. " Tell me, Kylo." I said, trying to see if I could recognize any feeling inside his dark orbs, but all I could distinguish was torment. 

" Couldn't you see? Didn't you hear in the memory?" Kylo replied, still avoiding the question. I sighed, wondering why he didn't want to tell me himself. " All I saw was the cloaked person you were talking to, and a large chain." I said, my patience reaching its limit, but I remained calm, trying to force the answer out of Kylo in a nice way. " Do you know who that was?" He questioned me with his voice shaking a little bit, which worried me: Kylo's voice was never shaky unless something was seriously bothering him.

I shook my head 'no', and thought about it, trying to see if I could recognize any one similar to the cloaked man in my newly recovered memories and the ones I had made in the past year, but my head was still hurting a lot, and it was hard for me to focus on the recollections that had flooded in my mind. 

" No? Think about it. When you left in that escape pod. Remember what that woman, Pha Stett told you before your hut got... destroyed. You have to try to remember, y/n." Kylo insisted. I huffed, " why are you being so mysterious, Kylo?" I complained.  " Why can't you just te-" I began rambling again, but stopped as a wave of realization hit me. I replayed the memory Kylo had accessed, the last of my missing recollections.

Where everything was on fire and debris, and the screams of people, especially women and children intoxicated the air. Even if it hadn't been long, I had yet to give that memory thought. I hadn't tried to piece out what had happened, or what had led it to happen, until now. Until Kylo reminded me of Pha Stett, the mysterious woman from my hidden memories. 

Pha Stett, my mentor, my motherly figure. Her words crystal clear now: " This is not a battle for you to fight. You know who it is, don't you?" I knew who was destroying our camp, our sanctuary. I know exactly who it is. I stumbled back a couple steps, placing my palm on my sweaty forehead, breathing heavily.

" No... Kylo. Don't tell me you-" I muttered in disbelief, not even able to finish my sentence as I saw the remorse in Kylo's eyes; answering my doubt. 

Kylo walked towards me, closing the space between us as his gloved hand reached for my shoulder, but I brushed it off with annoyance and anger. I tried to keep a small stream of tears from falling down my cheeks, which was successful thanks to all the hard psychological training I had to undergo, but the ache in my head and heart made it difficult to not succumb to the urge of crying. 

" Y/n-" Kylo began saying, but I didn't listen. Whatever he might say was unjustifiable to what I suspected he had done.

" Please no. Not this." I huffed in a broken tone, my eyes shifting to look at Kylo's. " Look me in the eye and tell me it's not true, Kylo. Tell me you're not with Emperor Darth Sidious."

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G'day, my amazing readers!

I want to apologize for not updating for a couple days, even though it's not that much... but I missed writing. 

I've been dealing with a inconvenient: I was planning to travel without my parents to visit my family which I haven't seen in a while in Canada, but now, due to the COVID- 19, all flight passengers have to be quarantined, and well, that won't happen for me, since I've got school. 

So yeah, that just really sucks. And my mood has really dropped because of that, I haven't been my best self. I know you will understand if I don't publish as fast because of this. I don't want to publish very sloppy chapters, and sometimes the motivation or inspiration doesn't come to me when I open Wattpad, so yeah...

Anyways, enough rambling about me.

How are you all doing with the whole virus situation? I know COVID- 19 has caused major troubles around the world ( Even if I feel the media is exaggerating with the gravity of the situation. Coronavirus is a strong cold, after all. But that's just my opinion.) Has the COVID- 19 reached your country? Thankfully for me, it hasn't, though we're 'surrounded' by infected countries...

But other than the common virus news, I hope everything is going excellent for all of you!

Stay happy and safe!

- Camille