The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 102, Concurrence

/ First Person Protagonist POV /

Kylo's eyes widened, not in surprise, rather it looked like it was out of fear. I wanted to divert my eyes from the contact Kylo's and mine were holding, but I stood ground, awaiting for his answer. I opened and closed my mouth, wanting to say something, but choosing it wasn't my turn to speak: it was Kylo's to respond.

The seconds appeared to turn into minutes, and my heartbeat accelerated in stress and anxiety, with a slight excitement and hope that his answer might be. 

"No."

I was baffled. I don't know what answer I was expecting to get from Kylo, but for some reason, ' no' had never crossed my mind, even if it was the answer that he would have most likely said. My mood had gone lower than it already was; I felt my whole body weakening and my limbs becoming heavier as I tried coping with the answer. 

" W- what? What do you mean by: 'no'?" I stuttered, my voice breaking and hopeless as I let go of Kylo's hand and took a couple steps back, staring at the ground and the roof back and forth. I rubbed my temples with the palms of my hands, trying to prevent a headache from appearing at the front of my brain cortex. 

" You know what I mean, y/n. The answer is no." Kylo repeated coldly. He really isn't going to change his mind easily, I sighted, closing my eyes tightly shut.  " I will not go inside your head again." He added, this time with a muttered tone. 

" Why?" I asked him desperately, even if the answer to my question was very obvious. Kylo didn't answer for some time, so I asked again, " why?" He sough loudly and shook his head slightly. " I can't do that again, y/n... I don't want to." Kylo muttered. I sighted and forced myself to look at him: he looked so vulnerable in this moment. Lost, and broken, not tough and cold hearted as he always gave the impression to be. 

" You're scared, aren't you?" I stated firmly, looking at Kylo straight in the eye. 

His complex features seemed to wince, as if something hurtful had just been said in front of him. " I'm not scared." Kylo replied without emotion, but there was something different in the way he spoke now. It wasn't with the confidence he usually addressed to anyone with, his words were filled with uncertainty. 

I paced closer towards him, wanting to recomfort him in any way possible. " Yes, you are." I whispered calmly and sweetly, reaching for the same one of his hands I had abandoned moments earlier. " Because of what happened last time."

Kylo maintained the eye contact, as I knew he always would. His watery and glass- like eyes had a bit of red, like an allergy, or maybe they were holding back something. That's the mystery with him: you never know truly what he's feeling, one can only assume. I exhaled calmly, trying not to stress Kylo more than he already looked by remaining serene as well.

" You're afraid to see something you don't want to... another memory of mine that could hurt you." I whispered, closing my eyes and tightening the grip on his hand with both of mine. " I said I'm not afraid." Kylo murmured again, but this time, he sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

" Alright, then." I huffed in a little bit of disappointment. I had hoped to not have any trouble with my idea I had made in the hospital wing, but of course, when does anything go as I had planned for me? I rolled my eyes mentally. 

I could feel Kylo's body tense at my response: of course he as well hadn't expected me to stop insisting so early, and it surprised me too. " Kylo, I get it. The only other time you forced yourself into my head, you saw things I know hurt you, Kylo. Even if you act so cold and heart less, you're still human." I whispered, placing my hand on his cold cheek as Kylo turned to look at me with agony in his eyes; something I rarely got to witness, especially this intense.