Trigger warning: mentions of su*cide
Jungkook's note for Jimin:
I think I'll let Jimin hyung read this, it might help him to understand what's going on and not leave him with so many questions? Hmm, I don't know, but I don't want him to worry. Jiminie, if you're reading this, it's because I'm scared and you know I don't like admitting it, but really I am terrified. However, in the end you better not be blaming yourself for any of this, okay? Okay...
I've been having these nightmares. They're always the same, and it's always the same kind of blackness that I see. A kind of blackness that swallows you whole, makes you freeze, traps you. A kind of darkness that you can't reach out or escape from. I see it every time I close my eyes, and I feel like I'm dying. Sometimes I think of the pain, and think if dying will actually be that bad but... something in me makes me fear it. Yet on some nights, I just want to end it, and it makes me think.
I think about how I'm worried about hurting you. I'm worried about hurting my best friend, and Taehyung hyung. I'm worried that the pain will be more than what I'm already feeling. The pain is so bad hyung, but not the physical pain, it's the pain in my mind. Does that makes sense?
But what if I had died that night? Would the pain be better or worse? Because part of me is telling myself that I should have died. Then you wouldn't have to worry. Yet here I am, stuck in a hospital with two deadweights for legs. But I'm honestly the real deadweight here, and I'm sorry for being a burden.
I can't help but feel like I'm not getting better. Like my whole life is gonna be worthless. Ever since I found out about my paralysis, it's not only my legs that I struggle to feel, but I just can't feel... anything.
I feel numb, and I'm afraid that if I am alone I won't be able to control anything anymore. I've been left alone for a few days now, and to add to the nightmares, my head doesn't feel like it's on quite right. I don't know how much longer I can stay in control but I'm scared of losing it.
I'm sorry if you're worrying about me hyung, I really am. But no matter what I answer in person, I'm not okay. I don't like to admit it, but I'm not doing too good. Is that alright or... am I broken?
I'm changing, and I don't think it's for the better, but please don't leave me.
Please.
- Jungkookie U・x・U
YOU ARE READING
Heart Attack | TK
Fanfiction[COMPLETED] When a young man named Jungkook falls ill with a deadly condition, he's told that his life will never be the same. With his life hanging in the balance, no family and only one friend that he lives in a small apartment with, he only reall...
