𝑨𝒊𝒅𝒂𝒏/𝑭𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑵𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒚 𝑰𝒎𝒂𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔

♡Are you afraid?♡ (Aidan)

Trigger warning: mentions of depression, and depressive thinking. Read at your own risk. Love you all.

As I lay here in the cold alone, I notice how peaceful the quiet is.

How it can drown out noise. The quiet still being loud enough to fill my ears with sound.

Is the reason I hide because I'm afraid?

The only reason I push away, and assume that the world is better off if I stay silent in my own bubble surrounded by turmoil and distractions, following by those I distrust.

Even if it worries those around me when I stopped letting my inner child run free, and chose to be afraid of what is held in the darkness.

A handshake of pain, regret and misunderstandings, fear and loneliness.

Since when did I stop letting my heart breathe? That's all that it wants to do.

So when will I stop the exfixiation of my own spirit blind me from what happiness is outside?

The tiredness dawns on me and I realize how freeing my own silence in the dark at night can be so exhilarating.

The one moment I feel true peace. Out of the hands of the devil herself keeping me in a cage.

This is my safe haven, and in this moment I have my power back.

"Y/n, you have been out here for hours. It's freezing babe you are gonna get sick." Aidan says coming outside in the beating down rain with a blanket, wrapping the warm cloth tightly around my body before I follow him inside.

The door closes behind me, and all of a sudden I can hear the noise again. The noise I'm afraid of.

The lack of silence. I'm back to earth and everything I try to bury continues to try and burrow itself deeper for me to notice it.

Why don't I just let myself notice it?

"I was just getting air." I say my vision drowning out in sorrow as my mind continues to run in circles, contemplating every moment that I have experienced In my entire career.

My entire life.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" His hand climbs out for mine, offering the support that is needed, but my heart cowers in "he won't understand."

"How do you fit a lifetime into one conversation?" I ask him, recieving a confused by comforting look from him.

"Well, I like to put my trauma into sections when people ask whats wrong with me." He says, a more healthy minded person trying to explain his coping mechanisms for life.

Since hes never had to experience a parent that didnt love him, a school system that failed him. Friends who backstab untill you stop allowing it to happen.

"Sections?" I question, trying my best to understand.

"Like biggest events. Think like Inside out. Core memories of trauma- im not helping am I?" He says blushing away his shyness.

That almost uncomfortable smike that cant help but stay when youre with the person you love. 

"Not at all, but I admire you trying."

"Sorry." Aidan awkwardly.

"Well, I like to describe it as a void. Not one that is building inside of me, but one that I'm slowly falling into due to the weight of the world if that makes sense." I vividly describe the void inside me, and confused stares can't help but make their way towards me as he tries to keep up.

"That sounds like dying." He stares at the ground holding his chest guarded by the  sweater wrapped around his precious soul.

"It is. It starts with mentally dying your spirit no longer having anything to cling on so it just fades, and your body runs on auto pilot untill you can find a cure. Sex, drugs, money, online shopping, careless love."

"Not enough people talk about how hard it is to find a healthy outlet for healing. For breathing." I explain to him, sighing at the end of my sentence, letting myself feel my breths internally, in attempt to achieve some form of peace.

"I feel like pretty soon all my options will run out, and the nothingness will follow me everywhere I go. Like im doomed for eternity." 

"Doomed for eternity.."

"To feel this way, Aidan. Do you feel empty everyday?"

"I dont, but I dont know what to do so you dont have to feel this way."

"I wish I knew a solution."

I know this seems like a small meaningless chapter, but its so much more than that. This is explaining the feeling of being depressed and trying to explain it to others around you who view the world differently, and it is important to bring awareness to the fact that we do see the world differently and have compassion for those who struggle on the daily with this.

Just know that you are loved and you are appreciated, and it will get better. I love you all so much it hurts and I am thankful for all of you that continue to support me through my highs and lows.

This is a personal experience of mine explaing my struggles, similar, but close to true, and I hope you did still enjoy the chapter.

Sincerely,

Your author.