INSIDE THEIR MINDS

One's We Love

PHIL

SHE SAID YES!

Hopefully she couldn't tell how nervous I was as I was asking her.

I grabbed her hand softly as we exited the elevator, still feeling slightly weak in the knees as we walked straight to my car.

I saw her gazing at her ring that now rested on her finger as it squeezed almost too much.

"Oh no! Did I get the wrong size?!" I exclaimed.

She answered with a smile.
"My hands are a bit more chubby than usual... most of me is a bit more chubby than usual." She says looking from her ring to her stomach.

"And I love you even more now than I did before." I say leaning down and giving a quick peck to her belly.

I helped her into the car and almost immediatly she had gotten a text.

"Alex wants to know if she needs to bring anything." She asks me now looking up from her phone.

"Not that I can think of." I said with a half forced smile. Alex seemed nice enough but she was always around. Maybe it's just like that with most women and their friends, or at least with the women that had friends, Erica had been more of a loner or women just didn't like her, with everything that has happened now I was leaning toward the latter.

As I drove us I couldn't help but feel excited, for I had yet another wonderful surprise for the woman I love.

ERICA

She had actually done a decent job cleaning everything, and at over 100 dollars I would have expected nothing less.

As I reached into my wallet and handed her the cash I became suddenly aware of how little money I had right now, and how ridiculous this small allowance was from Phil.

I went from buying designer brands to buying used designer brands.

I hadn't always been wealthy and I hadn't always been unemployed but once Phil started making more money and we moved across the entire country I decided I needed a break.

The break was short lived however as I found out five months later that I was pregnant, and I stayed pregnant.

Even after he was born I couldn't help but feel nervous. I had miscarried five times before having Trevor and he was actually a complete accident. It's almost as if I had so many different paths with different, could have been children, that once an entire path was laid out I felt as if it was a test.

It was a test to see how I would act. It was a test to see how good of a parent I could really be. It was a test to see if I actually deserved to be a mom.

Having Trevor was a truly miracle for both Phil and I. Once he was born and we knew he would live a happy and healthy life Phil was absolutely elated because Phil had found the real love he had always wanted. In some ways I think Phil was happier than I was, I mean I enjoy being a mom but with so many obstacles that had been in my way for so many years, I couldn't help but to have envisioned my life differently, without kids and then everything changed on me. I suddenly had a different life than I had planned. And then it seemed like Phil didn't need me, or my love anymore and I couldn't live a life without feeling true love, so then I turned to Derek.

After I met Derek suddenly I was happy again. When I was with him I didnt have any past worries, I acted as if I was a completely different person and for all intents and purposes I was. Then when I found out about the pregnancy with him my new life was over. It wasn't carefree and fun it was serious causing my new secret life to crash into my old life.

Then I could already tell things were going to end badly. I had made another man incredibly happy when he found out he was going to be a father and then as soon as I lost the baby everything crashed and burned, just like I thought it would. It wasn't like it was with Phil and I. When I lost the baby with Phil we had our marriage to fall back on, but with Derek.. we almost instantly turned on each other.

I do regret blaming him, but I couldn't blame myself like I had every other time I miscarried. I couldn't put myself through another heartbreaking loss, so I didn't.

Part of me still cares for both Phil and Derek, but with Derek I felt that there was so many unanswered questions and unresolved issues. Part of me wants to fix them, to calmly talk through them and repair what had been broken, but the other part, the stronger part, wanted me to drink away the problems hope he comes back.

As I looked in the now spotlessly clean freezer I couldn't help but reach for the half empty bottle of vodka.

Just feeling the freezing glass instantly brought on soothing and numbing thoughts.

Then before I knew it a shotglass was in front of me, clear strong vodka filled to its rim.