INSIDE THEIR MINDS

Different

DEREK

Just after I thought that I had shoved all of my thoughts of Erica deep down inside a proverbial well inside my mind never to be thought of again they came flooding back, supplying enough water for a lifetime.

Had I acted faster, or done more, or told her to stay away, things could have gone in a completely different way. The blood all that blood. I should have done more to help.

The lady at the hospital had told me about a store just up the road but I opted for the one a bit further away, needing to distance myself from the others, especially Alex, if only for a little while.

Seeing her bleeding out, wondering if she was going to live or die it changed me. The thought of her being gone forever rattled around inside me, our deep physical connection, our abrupt ending, our loss, it tore me apart inside. Then coming back here, to a hospital, the last place everything was at ease with us it just caused everything to jumble together. Erica and Alex and their similarities and their differences.

The smells of disinfectant, the sorrows of patients and vistors alike, it all just made me relive everything over and over. The baby we lost, the love we lost, things like that don't just disappear.

Only last time was different. Last time she had been pregnant with my child. Like last time she has been brought in by ambulance, but unlike then this time she may not walk away from it all.

There hasn't been many times in my life that I had cried, but now as I walk the sidewalks and cars fly by on the road in the dead of night, as the aged streetlights of an unfamiliar town guide my way to the 24 hour pharmacy, I knew this isn't where I want to be. I want a do over. But a do over starting when?

I want this "new" life of mine behind me. I want to stop having to bury the feelings of deep jealousy every time I see Phil or Erica. I could feel the tears coming but forced them to stay away. I know I either need to get over it or face it.

I had finally found the "convience" store and I let the automatic doors welcome me inside.

The small buildings size was almost astonishing to me, but a town like this wasn't in need of much more.

The florescents burned at my retinas bathing me in an erie green-yellow light that made me feel watched and uncomfortable, as if they could somehow know the thoughts scrambled up inside my mind, and be silently judging me.

I picked up a red basket, one of only four, and began to wander the short isles just absentmindedly sliding unnecessary things inside. Chips, granola bars, candy bars, then the needed baby food, then then 4 20oz bottles of pop were laid out in front of me on the conveyer belt.

"26 Even." The elderly woman said peeking over her half moon glasses.

I hand her the card and watch her fiddle with it before finally sliding it through, thankfully not noticing my less then pleasent state.

The items were heavy and the bags were flimsy so I carried both in the crooks of my arm, walking slowly back to the hospital which glowed brighter than anything else in town.

I couldn't hold the tears back any longer and finally I cried. With no free hands to wipe them away I sorrowfully let them just roll over my cheeks and drip down onto my shirt.

She could be dead. She could have died on the operating table. Who cares if the man that shot her is already dead? All that matters is Erica.

But she's strong. She can make it through anything. She can make it through this, Right?

KATE

I could sense someone was in the room with me before I even heard their breath breathng in and out.