INSIDE THEIR MINDS

Mommy's Here Little One

KATE

I couldn't help myself but watch Phil's interview with Catherine and Tate, even though he had asked me not to.

He wasn't one to usually ask that of me but knowing how much stress I have been under lately I knew he was just trying to help.

Nora had started to cry softly as we sat together on the couch, so I stood up very carefully and paced back and forth through the living room.

"Look there's daddy" I say to her, moving her so she could see the screen. She was too little to really understand anything that was going on, but there was always something about daddy's face that made her smile. Thankfully she did as soon as she saw him she smiled.

I was too busy focusing on Nora to even hear what he had said in the interview. Nora was very good at that, distracting mommy was definitely one of her top skills.

I could see her smile almost instantly disappear as they cut to commercial made me think of an interesting yet odd idea that I knew Phil would mock me for.

"Awe it's ok little one, mommy's here." I whisper to her. She wasnt having it.

I placed her in her small crib in the living room and turned on ondemand knowing he would have at least a few of his tapings there.

I found a good 20 minute clip of him discussing fruit in fruit markets and fruit found in grocery stores that I thought sounded perfect.

And there she was again smiling up at me, what a little stinker.

Within five minutes she was sleeping, so I grabbed my work tablet from the cluttered dining room table and decided I could at least try to get some work done.

I sat on the couch beside her and couldn't help but look at her at least once a minute. Nothing else matters the way it used to.

Work used to be my top priority. I used to log in over 50 hours a week and now.... now I'm lucky if I log in 15.

It's not like we really need the money but I also knew that if I quit my job I would somehow feel useless.

I had always frowned at the women that expected men to care for their every need an whim. I couldn't understand how to rely on one person for everything, that just isn't me, it's not how I am.

Phil knows that about me and I know that is why he has not said anything on the subject.

But now I feel as if I have to pick one, my job or my daughter and at least to me it was a no brainer.

ALEX

I quickly checked the clock in the dash as I swiftly ran a yellow light. Quarter to five, he should still be working.

I could feel my eyes start to tear up but I tried my hardest to hold them back, knowing that once I started crying I wouldn't be able to talk through what was going on.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop crying. It's ok.

Am I ok? Am I just going through a dumb phase like I have before?

My birthday is in less than two weeks and I know that this one will be different. Kate and I wont get drunk at some bar and have the night of our lives, we wont dance or party or anything. Will we even celebrate my birthday?

Even though I am only turning 26 I feel as if time isn't on my side. My two younger sisters are already both married and the youngest one, at 23, is expecting a baby. Kate, my best and really only friend now has a child and where does that leave me?

I mean I know I want kids... someday but it seems like the older I get the farther and farther "someday" seems to be.

I was almost to Zen gardens and even though my mind was racing with "self destructive" thoughts I wasn't sure what to share with Derek.