Desperation.

Chapter 31

...

"Good morning, darling" I hear my mother's voice and I open my eyes.

It takes a second until I realise that I am in my bedroom.

"How was your birthday?"

"It was great. All of my friends were at Louis' house."

"Sounds okay. And where are your presents?"

Um... Where are my presents?

Shit! I think they're still at Louis' house!

Oh no! How could I get them back without encountering Louis?!

Maybe Rose can get them for me...

"I think I forgot them..."

"Oh okay! But now you have to go to school." my mother says and I stand up.

"You needn't say that anymore, mum. I know when I have to get up."

Honestly, that's a lie because I forgot to set the alarm clock but she doesn't know that.

I take a shower, put my clothes on and eat a bread.

But it doesn't matter what I do- I can't concentrate on anything.

That's Louis' fault. I can't stop thinking about him and I know I need him but I also know he doesn't need me. I want him but he obviously doesn't want me.

I feel terrible. But not just terrible- I feel worse than that... I hate myself for loving Louis and I hate Louis for making me love him and for hurting me... everything is so complicated... he has a secret I want to know but he just pretends that there are no other girls beside me...

But what else could be his secret?

I hate that he drives me insane,  I hate that he could make me feel that way I've never felt before.

Being with him is enough to be happy.

I don't need more- I just need Louis.

He knows that he's the only one who can make me smile even if I don't want to.

He knows that I love him and he knows that I love his kisses, his hugs... everything about him.

The person who can make me cry the most is the person who can make me laugh the most.

This person is Louis and he knows that.

And it's his way to destroy me.

But now I go to school and when Rose sees me she comes over and hugs me.

"What happened yesterday? I just heard you two shouting at each other... Did you two break up?" she asks shocked.

"No, we didn't. And that's the problem." I mumble.

"What the hell?! You are sad that you didn't break up? I thought you loved Louis...?"

"I do! But we cannot break up because we aren't together. That's our problem. He was too late for my birthday party and he didn't even apologise. He told me that he could explain the situation but he couldn't. I asked him if he cheated on me because I was afraid he did because of... you know... Victor and Bella... but he told me he didn't. I was glad but then he said that he couldn't cheat on me because we aren't together. And I thought that he means that he cheated on me but he doesn't call it 'cheating' because he isn't my boyfriend and he can do whatever he wants to do. And after that he said that he didn't date anyone."

"Okay..." Rose answers "That's strange!"

"Yes, it is. And I have a question... Can you help me with getting my presents back? I forgot them at Louis' house..."

"Of course I can!" Rose answers and the lesson starts.

It's very boring but I can't always skip classes so I have to try to understand everything and raise my hand when I know the answer.

After school I go home without looking at Louis' house. I have to get him out of my head... I need a distraction...

What about... the boy I met yesterday? He was nice and he wanted to meet me again so why not?

When I arrive at home I do my homework and then I go to the Sandall Park with Nelly.

The way isn't long and Nelly seems to feel good because sometimes she just jumps and then she runs and she barks and she wants me to cuddle her.

A few minutes later we arrive at the entrance of the Sandall Park and Jason is already there.

Another boy goes away from him and I just see his back. He has brown hair and I have to think about Louis... He walks like Louis does...

But I'm here because it would be a good distraction to meet someone else and Jason seems to be nice.

"Hey Jason" I smile.

"Hey Diana! Nice to meet you again! I'm glad that you're here! How are you?"

"I'm fine." I lie and try not to look at him so he doesn't see my cheeks flush. I don't want him to know about Louis' and my problem.

"Let's go!" Jason says and I follow him.

"C'mon Nelly!" I say and she barks again.

"I like dogs" Jason says.

"Me too."

"Nelly is a beautiful name" he adds and looks at me. "Just as beautiful as you are!"

What the hell? In my opinion he's a bit corny... but I try to stay polite "Thanks".

The walk is a bit awkward and I didn't expect that... I haven't thought that Jason is shy but he seems to be.

He doesn't talk much, he just compliments me sometimes.

I shouldn't meet him again...

"Have you ever thought about a life after the death?" he asks.

This question is almost as strange as he is...

I've never thought about that...

"No, I haven't." I answer.

"But what do you want to be after your death?"

"I don't know, Jason, I've never thought about the death and a life after the death..."

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because I think and I hope that my death won't come soon."

"You can never know that." he whispers and I get goose bumps.

He's right. I cannot say when I am going to die and when my life is over...

But to be honest I don't want to think about that.

At least not now.

"I don't want to think about that, Jason. Let's talk about something else."

"Okay."

We talk about my school, his university, my dog Nelly and then we play with her.

The afternoon is fun but something is strange... maybe it's the way he looks at me. His glance is motionless and his green brown eyes don't shine like they did yesterday.