Desperation.

Chapter 87

I follow Rose to Louis' house and when we arrive there Zayn is very happy to see Rose.
They kiss each other and I wait for Louis to come to the door but he does not come.
"Louis is upstairs in his room. You know the way!" Zayn says to me and I nod.
I make my way to his room and think about why I came here.
You love him. My subconcious reminds me.
But if I had really loved him... I would not have slept with James, would I?

The first time I met Louis after the exchange I did not think about James for a single time. I completely forgot what I did because I was so glad to see Louis and I was so distracted by his eyes, his laugh, his kisses and just him.
I was distracted because of the way he looked at me and because of the way he kissed me before I could even explain myself. I was so glad that he was not angry about the letter. I do not know what I thought when I wrote the letter. I was just so sad about what my mother said. And honestly, I had expected him to  ignore me. I had expected him to shout at me, and to be angry. I had expected him to do anything but not forgive me and not even talk about the letter.

Before I knock on his door, I take a deep breath and try to stop thinking about the night with James and after that I just go into his room.
"Louis?" I ask, unsure if he heard me.
But he turns around and looks at me.
Directly into my eyes.
His green blue eyes look so fantastic and his lips look so kissable. I would give anything to turn back time, I wish I had not gone to the party.
I sit down next to Louis.
I feel him coming closer to me, I feel his hot breath against my neck. I would give anything to stay with him, to let go of everything that happened in the past few weeks but I cannot do that.
When he kisses me I cannot resist. I kiss him back, I just love his kisses.
Although I cannot forget about what I did in Ireland we go on kissing and I put my arms around his neck when he puts his hand on my thigh.
"What are you gonna do this evening?" he asks.
"I don't know..." I answer honestly.
"Do you wanna come to my house again?"
I nod. Maybe I just have to forget about James. Maybe this is the best opportunity that I have. I just let my past be the past. Although I always have to think about James, I agree.
"I think I have to go back to school now, Louis." I kiss him and wait for Rose to come out of Zayn's room.
We go back to school and all I think about is James and Louis.
I can probably never deal with the fact that I had sex with James although I fell for Louis.
The rest of my school day is very boring and I cannot concentrate on anything.
I am glad when school is over and I do not go to the voluntary cooking lesson today. All I want to do is to go home and visit Louis this evening.
I would be a shitty girlfriend.
First, I wrote him a letter, saying I could not see him again.
Then, I had sex with my rude exchange student.
And now, I pretend everything was like it used to be.