Desperation.

Chapter 79

Rose suggests that I can watch tv with her and Alana because they have lots of films we can watch.

"Let's watch the fault in our stars!" I say when I see the dvd.

Both of them agree and we decide to clean up the house tomorrow.

"Have you already watched the film?" Alana asks us and we shake our heads.

"I haven't watched it yet but I read the book" Rose says "I'm on page 150 now and it's just amazing!"

"I read it, too! I finished it last week and I love it more than anything! What happens on page 150?" Alana questions.

"Hazel and Augustus watch a film about a fight of the Persians and the Spartans or anything."

"Ah, I remember! Gus is so cute when he tells her quotations of AIA!"

"Yes he is!"

"Um... Rose, Alana? Sorry for interrupting you but can we watch the film now?" I ask and we start watching The Fault In Our Stars.

The film is about Hazel Graze and Augustus, two teenagers with cancer, the girl cannot breathe on her own, she needs oxygen and her BiPAP and her new boyfriend is seventeen years old and one-legged, they fall in love with each other, it is a different love story, but they live for the moment and in my opinion, they enjoy their lives more than any healthy person does because they know that every moment can be their last, every kiss can be their last, every touch can be their last, they love deeplier and they see the world from another perspective. One of my favourite quotations is "The problem is that there's no way of knowing that your last good day is your Last Good Day. At the time, it is just another good day."

(All credits to #TFIOS, written by John Green)

I know it sounds stupid but this film could probably change one's whole way of thinking...

At least, it makes you think about your own life. I think we should appreciate our lives more and I wonder whether Leanne would have changed anything in her life if she had known the date of her death...

Would I change anything if I died in two weeks? Or two days?

Maybe I will, I never know that but I do not think so...

Would our life be different if we knew the dates of our death?

Would we enjoy our life more?

Would we appeciate the little moments in our life more?

What would I change if I died in a few days?

I would definitely fly back to Doncaster, back to my parents, back to my siblings, back to Nelly and back to... back to Louis.

I would tell my parents more often that I loved them and I would spend more time with Nelly, Julia and Sam but the biggest thing I would try to change is my relationship with Louis, my relationship that doesn't even exist.

Should I call him?

I'm scared that I could accidentally tell him about my One-Night-Stand with James...

I decide to call him when the film is over.

"Diana?" Rose asks when a tear rolls off my face.

"Yea?"

"What do you think was Leanne's last wish? Do you think her biggest dream had come true before she died?"

"I don't know...but what was her biggest dream?"

"I don't know that, either... she had a very good life, I guess. Her boyfriend was the most popular boy at school, Leanne's parents and her got on very well, she didn't have any nerve-racking siblings, except her older sister... but they were more like really good friends... Leanne and Megan were very close to each other."

"Yes, they were. But I think her biggest dream was to travel to New Zealand. It never came true."

"You're right... Poor Leanne..."

"Oh yes."

"Um guys?" Alana interrupted us "May I know what you're talking about?"

I look at Rose and she nods.

"One of our best friends has passed away a few weeks ago. Her name was Leanne and she was killed."

Alana looks shocked and I feel the pain in my chest again... the pain that I had right after Leanne died...

"And who killed her?"

Rose and I answer at once "We don't know."

Then I go on speaking "But some people think they knew it. They say it was... Louis."

Saying his name hurts.

Thinking about him hurts as well.

"Louis is... or used to be... sort of my boyfriend. I love him and he loves me but it's a bit complicated. And now I'm not even allowed to meet him anymore."

"Oh no..." Alana sighs and I nod.