Desperation.

Chapter 41

"Fuck. Louis. I didn't hear you coming back" I whisper and don't turn around. I can't look at him. I'm too afraid that he could be angry... and I know he is angry. I would be angry, too if someone read my private letters and notes...

"What are you doing I said! Do you think me not being at home is a reason to search through my things?!"

"Sorry, Louis."

"Diana?! Are you fucking kidding me? Have I ever told you that you were allowed to look into this box? No one ever saw it! It is my privacy and it will always be!!! I don't know what I should think about that, Diana. I know we haven't known each other for a long time but I trusted you! I thought you were different! I had never thought you would do that..."

"Louis... I know! I am so sorry! I know I shouldn't have done that! I am so sorry, Louis! I don't know why I did that!"

"I don't care if you are sorry!! It's your fault! I never want to see you again!"

"You told me that before... but then you appeared at the hospital so I don't believe you."

"Are you trying to provoke me?! Who do you think you are?! You read my letter and probably my notes, too! I can't trust you anymore!"

"And you think I can trust you? Don't you realise that I have a reason to look at your things?! Have you ever thought about that?!"

"I don't need to think about that! It's clear that you did something wrong and I don't know what's my fault! It isn't my fault at all!"

"YOU left me alone at your house! YOU always meet people without telling me who they are! YOU told me that I was not your girlfriend! So why do you need to trust me?!"

"I NEED TO FUCKING TRUST YOU BECAUSE YOU SEARCHED THROUGH MY FUCKING THINGS WITHOUT MY FUCKING PERMISSION!!! AND I THOUGHT WE COULD EVER BE TOGETHER, YES, I THOUGHT ABOUT FUCKING US!!! BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER, THERE IS NO YOU AND ME ANYMORE! YOU ARE DIANA, A DAMN FUCKING GOOD GIRL WHO DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HER FUTURE BOYFRIEND AND HIS TRUST!"

What the fuck is he talking about?! He speaks too fast and I don't know what to say. Now I am really crying- not just because of the sad letter but because of his words...

He is my future boyfriend...

Sorry- he could have been my future boyfriend.

But he doesn't stop shouting at me.

"DIANA! WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING?! TELL ME ONE FUCKING REASON FOR READING THIS LETTER?! WAS IT AMUSING? DID YOU LAUGH? 'HA HA LITTLE LOUIS LOST HIS MOTHER. POOR THING! I DON'T CARE- IT'S JUST LOUIS! HE HAS NO PRIVACY- WHY SHOULD HE NEED THAT?! I AM AT HIS HOUSE AND I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT' THESE WERE YOUR THOUGHTS, WEREN'T IT?!"

I turn around and look into his eyes.

They are full of anger...

No... I didn't mean to hurt him or his feelings. I just wanted to know about his secret... and he is completely overreacting now! I would never laugh at this sad but wonderful letter...

I take a step towards him.

I can't speak... What am I supposed to say? It is too late to apologise... he will never trust me again.

I hate myself.

I hate myself for being so curious.

I hate myself for looking into the box.

I hate myself for being myself.

"Louis..." I begin "Oh Louis... I know this is no way to apologise but you need to know the reason. I was... I thought... I did..." I don't find the right words to explain him the truth. I take a deep breath and start speaking again.

"I thought there was a secret. I wanted to know what you had done before you came to my birthday party. I wanted to know what you did today in the morning and why you left me. I can't live with the thought of you with another girl... And I wasn't sure if you met Jason. So I tried to find out if there was anyone else. I know it was wrong. I'm so sorry Louis. But it doesn't matter what you think of me. I will always love you."

I take another step towards him and look up to him.

There are tears in his beautiful blue green eyes and he leans his forehead against mine.

"Diana." he breathes. "I cannot trust you anymore. Please get out of my house. Get out of my head. Get out of my life. It's the best thing for both of us."

I shake my head.

"You know it isn't, Louis" I whisper and put my hand on his chest.

"It is. Go away. And don't come back again. Never." he says and his voice is dangerously quiet.