//For Crying Out Loud...// Matty Healy story!! (Completed) •IN EDITING•

//Chapter 8//

All the years, I've waited. And waited. The memories and times I've shared and thought about him. The tears I've cried and wasted. The nightmares I've had to endure. The Sleepless nights that I've had over this guy stood in front of me, staring back at me. All the times I wished and I prayed he'd come back for me. To tell me he's sorry and that he'll never leave me again. Tell me he's back for me, for good. Or even just to tell me what I did wrong. Why he had to leave me. Or just a damn goodbye this time.

But now. I don't want any of that. I don't want to be any part of his life. Not now, not in the future. I don't wanna look at him. I don't wanna hear him or anything he has to say. But I can't take my eyes off of him. It's as though I'm looking at a ghost, that's haunted me all these years. The hate has now took over me far more than the love I once had for him. I feel angry, like I'm going to explode!

What's he doing here? Why is he back? He can't do this. He doesn't get to choose when to just stroll back into my life. He isn't getting the chance to break me again. I won't allow it.

I look away from him, braking eye contact first. The feeling inside me is overwhelming. I'm not even sure how i feel! I feel weird, numb! I've wanted this moment, this here right now. To see him. To have him back here - for so long. This moment, I've relived it in my thoughts, over and over again.
But now, I don't want it. Any of it! He shifts on his feet, looking more than uncomfortable. Good! I hope he's feeling the pain, the pain I've had to deal with since he walked out on me. I refuse to look at him now. Concentrating on the floor near the door, where he's stood. He needs to go. I can't do this. Not now, not ever. I concentrate on my rapid breathing. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.

I slide down the wall, still only in my towel. Sat on the cold floor, I stretch my legs out. Feeling claustrophobic, my head is fuzzy and I'm gonna freak out any minute. I look up and my eyes are met with his again. He's come inside. Into MY flat. How dare he?!

Why can't he just go and leave me alone. Why is he doing this?! He stands, looking down at me before he sits down, his back against the wall, mirroring how I'm sat. Right beside me. If I could get up and move, I would. I'd be running. But I'm frozen.

The last nightmare I had of him, flashes into my mind. Replaying slowly. How he sat watching my lifeless body. When I couldn't move. He couldn't hear me. The only difference from that dream and right now, is I don't actually want to talk to him now. I have nothing to say to him anymore. We sit in awkward silence for what feels like hours when he suddenly turns to me. I see out of the corner of my eye, he opens his mouth... He's gonna try with some lame fucking excuse. I know it! But he soon closes his mouth and decides against it.

My mouth now so dry. My hands are shaking, I try and calm myself down, taking deep breaths. Having to tell myself to actually breathe. I need to stop this. I need to just say something and make him leave. I close my eyes taking in a deep breathe, shaky breath, keeping my eyes closed as I whisper "Go!" my voice fails me.
You could hear the shakiness, the fear. The pain.
Fuck sake!

Like hell will he know or ever find out what he did to me. What I went through when he was gone. How fragile he made me. How broken I became. The shell of myself. I've come this far, and I'll be dammed if he thinks he's pulling me back. No. Hell no!

"Kay?" he whispers weakly. Refusing to latch eyes onto me. I know what he's doing here, and I'm not falling for it. I can do this! I can show this obnoxious, stuck up, no good, fame junkie, I'm better than what he thinks. Better than the person I was back then. I'm not the girl he once knew. The girl he abandoned. The girl he ruined. This is a new me. A new me no one and certainly not him is going to mess with. Or brake down.

He tries again "Kay?" this time speaking a little softer. Calmer. And when I don't respond or move, he slowly lifts his hand.... Panic thrashes into me, thinking he's reaching for my face. I freeze, closing my eyes. Please don't. Stop. Please! I can't. His touch will set me a light. I'll burst into flames right here.
It takes everything in me to jump up and step away from him.
I move myself to the opposite side of the room.
I'm quickly at the door, holding the it open wide, showing him what he needs to do. Leave. He needs to take the hint.
Yet he hasn't moved. He's just sat there, he hasn't moved a damn muscle.
I look over at him, my expression blank .
"Please" I whisper in an attempt to get him to just go, pleading. Leave here now. Leave me alone, for good!

He see's me and he hears me. But he chooses to ignore me.
Why is this not bothering him?
Why is it so easy for him?
Is this a game to him?
He must know what it's doing to me. "Mat-" I stop myself before I have chance to finish that word. That name. I refuse to say his name. It's like acid on my tongue.
Fine! If he wants to play games. Lets go. I slam the door shut.
Desperate to show this son of a bitch that I'm not the girl i once was before. He's not toying with me.
He might have gotten away with hurting me last time. But I've wised up. I Know every trick in his book now.

"Whyy you here?" I lean against the wall, arms crossed over my chest as a sheild, stood opposite where he's still sat. Staring harshly down at him. That hate taking over my brain again. But he just stares up at me with a blank, expressionless face.
"Come to gloat have we? I bet its so awesome being in your awesome band with your awesome fame!" I mock.

His sigh echoed around the bare  room, closing his eyes, ""I didn't know you'd be here, Kay" he muttered.
Oh, he speaks! The way my name rolled off his tongue, so freely, without any hesitation, causes me to flinch. And it stings into my chest.

"That's bull shit!" I snap, soon as I recover from his words.

"I swear" he answers, putting his hands up in defence. His eyes still gazing off into thin air.

I can't do this! I feel sick! Maybe i'm not ready for this. Maybe I'm not actually as strong as I first thought here.
Deep down I know i'm helpless without him. I've not felt the pain in my chest this bad in years, since he first left me. I'm crumbling in his presence. I'm holding on to a rope, with the other end lit... burning. Being scolded. I can feel the burn so close to my hands. But I'm hanging on for dear life.
Yet for what?
I feel a tear slide down my cheek, and I brush it away with the back of my hand vigorously, before he has chance to see. Not wanting him to see my vulnerability. But he's watching me.
And he's up on his feet, moving towards me before I fully realise.

But I'm quick, I step back, warning him. "Don't" I plead with him. But I'm ignored.
And suddenly, I'm backed into a corner, that corner, my corner, stood towering over me. I refuse to look at him.
He brings his fingers up to my chin, causing me to look at him. Deep into his eyes. My chest feels too tight. I'm holding my breath as his touch sends firing electricity through my veins. He plants a soft kiss on my cheek, still holding me under my chin forcing me to look up at him.
I flinch at the contact. Before he's bringing his face in front of mine so our noses touch. I flinch again, I can feel my legs shaking. Almost ready for giving way under me. I need to step back, away, he's captivating me all over again... but I'm unable to move back, away from him, as I'm already against the wall.

"Let go" he whispers against my cheek as he steps to the side, moving away from me, heading for the door. I collapse onto the floor in the corner, my face in my heads. Loud, hard sobs leave my mouth, I can't stop them. I can't control it. Any of it! And again. Just like that. I'm shattered into pieces again.

The recovery, the years I've spent getting better. All gone, and dissolved. Shattered, like my heart. Again. Just like that. How?

"Kay? ... Oh my god. Kay?! Baby, what's wrong? Kay, look at me?!"
And suddenly Eve's knelt down next to me, forcing me into her arms.