//For Crying Out Loud...// Matty Healy story!! (Completed) •IN EDITING•

//Chapter 62//

"You've gotta help me" i beg as soon as she pulls the door open after minutes of me banging hell out of her door. I don't wait for her to invite me in, i stride past her. Frantic. Not knowing what to say. What to do right now. But i know i have to leave. I know I'm not wanted nor needed around here anymore. I have to get away for everyone else's sake aswell as mine.

This is it. The final straw. I can't stick around now.

"Omg, Kay!" she practically screams before throwing her arms around me. As though I'm a ghost from the past. As though she thought she'd never see me again "I've missed you so much" she whispers into me, almost breaking down on me

I pull away from her instantly. Refusing to let her cry on me. Cause I'll break too. An i can't. I can't do this now. I can't go into anything that's happened recently. Even though i know she'll ask. Demand to know why i left. Why I'm a mess now. Too much happened. It's not only that i don't have enough time to go through it all. I don't have the energy. I don't have the positivity, the stability  in me to get through it.

I'm still broken. I'm still a mess. Unstable... even more so now.

"I'll give you a minute" Adam walks past us with a friendly smile over at me "Nice to see you Kay" he says before heading into Eve's bedroom.

"you look terrible" she giggles as she pulls me down onto her sofa with her. I know from her tone, it wasn't actually a joke. She just giggled to try and soften the insult.

I take a deep breath in. Trying to hold back the tears. Trying to force away the lump in my throat. The achey pain in my chest. Trying to stop my hands from shaking as i feel her eyes on me. Watching me. Realising quickly I'm not okay.

"I'm a mess" i whisper, speaking the truth. Trying to force a smile. Trying to act as though i look far worse than i feel. When it's the total opposite.

"Kay?" she looks me up and down quickly before he forcus falls onto the bandage on my wrist "Babe?" she asks when i stay silent. When i realise i can't do this. I can't keep strong in front of her when she knows me like the back of her hand. She knows me like a book she's read a thousand times. A tear falls, Eve quickly wipes it away before she pulls me back into her arms. Allowing me to break down. Allowing me to fall to pieces on her. Crying out, loudly as if in physical pain. As though I'm being tortured. When it's pain on the inside, emotional pain - which is far worse. There's medication for phsical pain. Nothing takes emotional pain away. And it's at a point it's unbearable now.

"Babe?" i hear Adam from a distance, genuine concern in his voice. Panicked and confused at what's happening. Why I'm like this. Like he doesn't understand what's wrong. Like he doesn't know what to do. I feel her head shake, as though she's telling him no. But i don't move. I don't quieten my cries or attempt to stop. Because i know i won't be able to. I have to let some of it out.

I have to let some of the pain out. Let it escpae. Hoping it will lessen it. Make it a little more bearable. But fearing it'll only make it worse at the same time. Showing and allowing people to see how weak you are, automaticaly makes you a weak person. It shows you're easily broken. You're vulnerable.

"Shhh" she attempts to soothe me. Trying to calm me down. Keeping one arm aound me, tight. While she strokes the top of my head with the other. I begin to calm down a little. More for her sake than mine as it becomes visible she's panicked and confused from my actions.

An in the past it's always been me who's the strong one. I'm always the one that's okay. She falls on to me. I'm the one who makes things better. I force myself to suck it up, put an act on and pretend I'm okay just to put her mind at ease. Because me and my life is far too fucked up for her to understand. For her to help. I'm beyond help at this point. For anyone.

This is my life now. Me and me alone. Me and my fucked-up'ness... alone.

I finally pull away from her slowly. Throwing her a small smile to carry on with this act that I'm fine now. Hoping she falls for it. She smiles back, but theres questions in her eyes, in her facial expression. Like she really wants and needs to know what's wrong. And what's gone on... but she bites her tongue. An i've never been more thankful!

She reaches for my hand, giving it a tight squeeze "if he's hurt you..." she begins. Giving me a stern look. Knowing she doesn't have to finsh her sentence. It's no secret she doesn't like him.

But no.

If only you knew a quater of what's wrong with me right now Evelyn.

I don't say anything. I just shake my head.

Because even though i don't want to talk about it. I need her to know, for once. Matty actaully hasn't done anything wrong. This one is all on me. And that's what makes it worse. That this is my fault. An there's nothing i can do about it. Apart from hate myself. Dispise myself. Remove myself... Knowing she won't blame him.

She gives me a nod. An leaves it at that... for now.Thankfully.

"Ad?" she shouts him again. Again he pops his head around the door

"Yeah?" he smiles, phone in hand

"Get the spare pillow and duvet out of the wardrobe" she tells him, straring at me as she still holds my hand. Looking at me as though I'm a broken child. As though she's decided she's gonna take on the task to fix me and make me better.

"No, really it's-" i attempt to tell her. Not wanting to seem ungrateful but not wanting to be a burden. Knowing already I'm too much of a task for her to even try.

"No arguments" she points her finger at me "we need a catch up anyway" she stands quickly, heading for her bedroom.

"Here" she passes me some of her clothes "showers that way" she points in the direction of the bathroom "I'm gonna go get us a bottle of wine and then it's girl time. Adam won't mind" she smiles. Making me smile too. This is new. Bossy Evelyn... not.

I'll miss this. Her.

"Shout Ad if you need help with anything. Towels and everything are already in there"

I decide not to argue against her. It'll be a perfect goodbye before i leave.

She heads for the door.

"Thanks, Eve" i smile over at her when she turns back to me

"You're gonna be fine, you know that!" she tells me sternly. Meaning it "you don't ever have to be or feel alone" she smiles over at me warmly.

I nod in response.

But that couldn't be any further from the truth.

Because i know i have to be alone. I have to go on, on my own. Without anyone. Without anyone finidng out... Until I've gone.

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Eurgghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Been struggling with writters block, massively... these past couple of days. Can't get away from it! I've literally wrote now 5 different things / lines for this chapter and deleted them. I'm not massively keen on this either... It's probably the worst chap I've written so far. But it's the direction I'm wanting it to go in anyway so.... It'll do. I apologise anyway. Suppose it doesn't help I've had a bit of bad news to do with my grandad's health, so I've not really been sleeping / coping well with that. Hopefully i wake up in a better mood with some fresh // better idea's for this.

Can't love and make them all perfect i suppooooooose.

Sorry again guys! xXx