//For Crying Out Loud...// Matty Healy story!! (Completed) •IN EDITING•

//Chapter 15//

HEY HEY!! --- AGAIN. RUSHED CHAPTER. SORRY ABOUT GRAMMAR/SPELLING... ALL THAT. MAJOR BUSY WEEK. SOOO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY! I'll update again tonight if i can get in from work early. Enjoooy xXx

"how is she? Can i see her?" i run over asking the nurse for the 20th millionth time. I've been pacing up and down this same corridor for the last hour and a half. They've told me she's awake and stable, so why can't i see her.

"Sir, you're going to have to be patient. When the Doctor has checked her over, you'll be the first to know" she gives my shoulder a small pat and a sympathetic smile as she steps aside to continue where she was heading before.

Fuck! I'm going out of my mind.

I take a seat on one of the plastic chairs outside her room. Watching the door. Trying to think of what she's thinking right now. What she's doing. How she's feeling. Did she actually want to end her life? Did she want this? Because of what i said? Or because she's just had enough. I thought she'd of been passed all this now. Over it. Over me. Moved on, like me- shit. Gemma's gonna be going crazy wondering where i am. I go to pull out my phone. I don't have it. I dropped it back there. I need to call her before i forget.

The blinds on the glass window of her room are closed still. I can't get the image of her lifeless, cold, limp body out of my head. I close my eyes, scrunching them shut. Why the fuck did i tell her what i did. And why did she actually believe it.

How can she actually think I'd want her to go, end her life. Only hours after telling her i still loved her. Fuck. "i-i love you too" she told me the same. She still loves me.

This is a mess!

I have to see her now. Fuck waiting anymore!

I slowly open the wooden door to her hospital room, trying to be as quiet as possible - feeling nervous. Nauseous. Expecting the worst. I dunno how she's gonna react to me being there. To what i did. What i said. Or if she'll react at all. If she even has any energy left to tell me to fuck off. Leave her alone... That's what I'm expecting. Maybe that would be the best thing?

I'm no good for her. And she's no good for me. I don't live the same life as she does. As i did, back then. If i fell into them ways, back into my old habits, that would be it, my career would be straight down the shitter! An i can't risk that. I can't allow to let myself be like that anymore. I had to change. That's what i love about Gemma. She'd never let me step out of line.

Kay needs to realise, we live on different planets now. She's still doing the same old shit, different day. A little of me was hoping she'd of maybe changed too. Then maybe i could allow the bit of love i still hold on her, to take over. Take control and see what happens. But i can't. And i won't. I'm not stable enough myself to get her through it, to change. But i don't think she wants to even change.

I'll always love her, no matter what.

- shit. She looks so fragile laid out in the bed. So pale. She looks frightened. Broken. I fucking broke her! I can't take anymore of her image in, as guilt is ripping through me like a thousand knives. I concentrate on the floor where my feet are. I've never seen her like this before. Scared. Vulnerable. Hurt. Lost. Alone... The list is fucking endless. And my name stands out in capitals to blame for each one

She's like this because of me.

She has no one, because of me.

What do i do?! How do i fix someone who doesn't wanna be fixed?!

I take small steps over to her bed. She's sound asleep. There's a bit of peace there, in her. I can see it. And hope, the tiniest little bit. But i see it. I can feel it. And i know what i have to do. I have to fix her. Fix all the negatives. And turn that little bit of hope into happiness.