//For Crying Out Loud...// Matty Healy story!! (Completed) •IN EDITING•

//Chapter 42//

"Jesus!" I shout out, getting a fright from the post man as he creeps up behind me in the dark corridor as the light flickers on and off - as i lock the door on my way out.

"Sorry miss" he tries so stiffle a laugh. "A miss Kayleigh Addison?" he reads out the name on the letter, then quickly looks up, offering me a smile.

"Yes. Well, just Kay" i answer confused.

"It says a Miss Kayleigh on here" he stares at it again.

"No that is my name. I just don't use it" i tell him. No one calls me by my full name. Not many people know that is actually my name.

"Here you go" he holds his arm out for me to take the mail.

"Thanks" i say simply. Posting the letters through my letterbox as I've already locked the door and not wanting to mess about wasting time.

"If i can just get a signature please" he pulls out some electronic machine- thing, tapping and clicking on the damn thing before holding it out for my to sign. God knows why. This is new.

"For a letter?" i ask confused, again.

"I'm just doing my job" he says with humour to his voice.

I sigh, quickly scribbling my name, the best i can on it, and pass him it back "That all?" I haven't got all day.

"Yes miss. Have a good day" he bobs his head down as he turns and heads back out.

I make my way down the stairs, but i can't help but wonder what the hell that letter is, why i had to sign for a letter. It's odd.

I quickly turn on my heels, running back up the steps, taking two at a time to hurry up. I have work, I can't be late, or miss again. Bill's already given me enough chances.

The writing on the envelope is hand written. My name and address scribbled. I don't recognise the hand writing. I tear it open quickly, ripping the envelope to bits

I begin to read the hand written letter, dropping onto the bed as i read the first few lines. It's from my dad! He says he's doing great. Well he must be, he's alive. All these years of not hearing a thing from him. Fearing the worst. Nights of wondering where he is. An why he didn't want anything to do with me. An now he just randomly pops back up. As though all is forgotten. all is forgiven. No! He say's he's living in New York now. He's met someone, an he's getting re-married. I feel my blood begin to boil as i read his favour of wanting me to go. To be there for his "big day" the cheeky bastard! I read on, reading through his apology to me for not being there for me. Going into my mums death and how bad it hit him... How dare he?! .. I can't read anymore. I feel my whole body begin to shake from anger. The cheek of him! How can he expect me to believe all this shit coming from him. What the fuck was he expecting to happen. That I'd jump up and down with happiness and excitement that he suddenly wants something to do with me again. That all that time, gone. All those years, i would just forget. That now he wants me around again. He's massively mistaken! Who the hell does he think he is!

I rip the letter to tiny pieces and throw it straight in the bin. I pick the envelope up, just about to do the same when i notice something else in it. Another piece of paper. I pull it out slowly, shocked and gob smacked at the gift or more likely "bribe" from him... A cheque. A cheque for £1000. I stare at it for a couple of minutes. He's fucking unbelievable! What am i suppose to do with this. Is this like a sick joke of all the pocket money he's got out of paying. I don't want this!

I check the time. I'm already late for work. I'm already gonna be fired, again. I sigh. Feeling ridiculously fed up. Like I'm done with every single thing and every single person. Why is it, everyone seems to think I'm this massive push over. That people can just do what they want an say what they want, an I'll just take it. Well not anymore. I don't need anyone in life anymore. I'm done with people. Done with disappointment and hurt. Done!

I throw the cheque down in the bin. Grabbing my keys, i slam the door shut and make my way to the shop.

By the time ive got back to the flat, I'm half way down the bottle of my wine. Opening it as soon as i left the shop. It's all good though. I have a bottle vodka too. To help me. This is the only thing i need in life now. No more, trying to change. No trying to be a better person to please others. Fuck others. No more others!

It takes me about five minutes to open the damn door in my tipsy state. Finding all the things that would usually piss me off - hilarious. I've missed this. Drink. The feeling from it.

I throw the empty wine bottle in the bin, instantly being reminded of my dads words as i stare down at the ripped up letter. I take big mouthfuls of the vodka. Ignoring how much it burns my mouth and throat. I should be feeling nothing but anger towards him. Like i did only an hour or so ago. But no, its that horrid fucking feeling of hurt. Hurt as i stand having visions and hearing my dad speaking those words he wrote down for me. Explaining how bad it got for him when "he" lost mum. As though he was the only one that fucking suffered. He never gave a fuck when she was here so why when she's dead?! Why then. Why now?! Maybe because she wasn't here to provide him with the money for his booze addiction. Maybe because it finally hit him that he's to blame why she's not here now. He drove her to her grave with the stress. How dare he fucking make out the loss of my mum was worse for him. That only he suffered. I fucking hate him! I had to suffer and more. I had no one. I was the one that lost everything. Everyone. I don't even realise what I'm doing till I've done it. Till I've punched the wall, staring down at my fist, my knuckles smeared in blood. A rush of adrenaline hits me. I don't feel any pain from it. I don't feel anything. I feel better. I scream out. Punching the wall again. I search round, grabbing the closest thing to me. A table chair. I throw it across the room, it hits the wall and breaks to pieces. I don't stop, in a way it's releasing some of the anger but building it more at the same time. I grab a glass vase, again, throwing it at the wall. It smashes loudly. The tiny pieces of glass shattered all around my bare feet. I turn, beginning to kick the bed side table in. It hurts my feet. But i don't stop. I can't stop. I take more mouthfuls of vodka. Its like medicine to me. I need it to feel better. The picture of my mum in my grans old glass picture frame drops off the top of the bed side table, hitting the floor hard. It breaks instantly. I stare down at it. That's when i begin to break. When i realise what I've done. What I'm doing. But i don't know why. I don't know anything anymore. I drop to the floor, tears quickly falling down my face. I throw the bottle down, it smashes around me. The vodka soaking me. I grab the picture of my mum. I collapse, lying on the floor on my side. Laying in all the broken glass. But i don't care. Loud sobs fall from my mouth as i begin to break down. Holding the picture of my mum close to my chest. As the pain, the hurt, the loss tears me apart again.

A knock on the door wakes me. I don't know how long I've been layed there. I turn my head towards the window, noticing its dark now. There's another knock. But i make no effort to move. Why would anyone be coming to see me. I don't have anyone anymore "go away" i whisper, more to myself. They keep knocking, louder, becoming impatient. My eyes begin to sting. My head pounds. I close my eyes, hoping it will block everything out. I feel someone's hands on me, I'm picked up in someone's arms. But i make no effort to stop them or to see who it is. I'm too exhausted to care. To fed up to fight. I keep my eyes scrunched shut. As i accept the fact ive given up.

------------

Can't even explain how annoyed i am at the fact I've misplaced my book with all the chapters in for this. Grrr!!! But anyway... I'm just gonna have to wrack my brain to try and remember most of what i had planned. Please bare with me as it is gonna take me a little longer with updates now but I'm gonna try my best to keep up with it and put more time in for you guys. Thanks for your patience and continued support through this. Ya'll da best! --- spelling mistakes will more than likely be shocking in this as I've tyoed it up quickly on my phone. Anyway, enjoy! :) xXx Emilee.