//For Crying Out Loud...// Matty Healy story!! (Completed) •IN EDITING•

//Chapter 68//

Kay's P.O.V---

I look around the empty room of my old flat. The place, no matter what, always felt like home in the past. Only now, it's just a dirty empty room. Seeing it now with how im feeling is making it feel foreign. Errie. It's cold, dark, lonely and quiet. Too quiet the silence is too loud for me. A place that holds far too many painful memories now. The joyful memories that always got me through the hard times, fading an turning black. Holding nothing but pain and stabbing into my mind. Haunting me. Making me aware and realising this is the lowest i've ever been in my life. The loneliest. Most painful and scariest time of my life. This time i literally have nothing and no one. An this time it isn't may fault. I just couldn't stop him falling out of love with me. Which makes it harder to deal with and cope. I've collapsed on rock bottom, where im stuck. Where I'll forever stay. An I'm petrified. Vulnerable and lost.

I lay myself down on the same spot i always used to lay. In the corner, on the floor. For the final time. Trying my hardest to find just one positive from all of this. Just one happy moment. I need a happy place right now. Anything. Just something. I search and search... but there's nothing. My minds filled with negativity, pain and rejection.

How has everything come to this? How and why did it get so bad for us.. so suddenly? Everythings happened and ended so soon. Too soon. I can't get my head around it. An i need to understand a little to help me deal with it.

Everything was finally coming together. Finally. Finally sorting things. Accepting and re-living our past. Making more memories. And now, now, i wish i could erase them. All of them. From the day i met him. I'd give anything to go back in time. To change things. Change me. To be different. To be, just... not me.

It's kind of ironic that before we met again. I held so much hate for this guy. How he hurt me and the pain he caused me. And now, tables have turned. It's as though we met again to make it even. To make him realise just what he did to me and the way he made me feel. I can't help feeling that way. But it was never intentional.

I'd actually do anything to take all that pain away from him right now. I'd take it all again.. for him. I'd do that for him. I'd still do anything for him. I can't just stop loving him like he has with me. I wish i could. I wish it was that simple. If only there was a switch button for your feelings.

I know deep down this is my doing. Jaxon. My depression. My behaviour. It all got too much for him. I don't blame him. For anything he's done. For the hurtful words. For... sleeping with another girl. For stopping loving me. I should of known it was heading this way. I'm Kay. He's... he's perfect. Everyone knows he deserves better. An finally, he's just figured that out for himself. 

I have to be okay with this. Because this is what he wants. If this is what makes him happy... I have to accept this. I will. I will try at least. That's probably the best thing about having no one. You can suffer alone, without anyone finding out. Without anyone to point out and realise just how weak you actually are. I should be used to being both weak and alone now. But I'd just started getting used to company again. Him, again. Being back in his arms again. The only place I've ever known and felt safe.

I'm trying my hardest to find anger somewhere in side of me. There has to be some somewhere. But there's non. Anger is really the only emotion i can deal with. I need to find some. Before i go insane. But its impossible. I'm the one who's guilty here. I'm the one who deserves to feel this way. I need to just accept it and let it attack me and break me.

I'm numb. It's like im built from concrete... and only guilt can seep through the small cracks in me. Thats the only emotion im able to feel.

Without realising, i find myself straining my neck to look across the room. Staring at the place Mattys pink plectrum used to live in the floorboard. I wish i still had it. Something so small and simple but meant so much to both of us. For different reasons. It was the only thing i had left of him when he first left. It was the small reminder of mine that reminded me he was real. The love i once felt for someone was real. The memories i had. Just my past in general. He's always been a part of my life. An now i have nothing... not even a stupid piece of plastic to stop me forgetting. Because that's what im fearing most. That one day, im gonna wake up alone with nothing. Not even memories of him. They're gonna vanish and leave me just like he did....

But there is something... i really don't want to. I know i shouldn't. I don't even know why. But i have to.

Someone... it's the only chance i have to keep a bit of him with me.

He might want to be rid of me for good. He's okay with a goodbye. But i can't with him. I just can't.

So i need the next best thing in my life. Something that's a part of him.

A part of us both.

I pull my phone out quickly, before i have chance to really think what I'm trying to do here. Before i can stop myself....

"D-dad?" i hesitate. Stuttering. Scared.

The fact he's the only person i have to turn to. To help me, is killing me.

But he has to help me. He made this mess in the first place. He can fix this.

He has to.

He's going to!

"Dad, i need your help!" ..........

-------------------------------------------------------------

Possibly the smallest chapter i've ever written. But i wanted to keep it short & sweet as the next two are gonna be big ones for the final!!!! I'm still baffled this is almost over.

But there WILL be a second book after this, carrying on :) Woooooo!!!! <<< Yeah, I'm just not ready to leave these characters just yet. I can't cut the strings on them and let me go aaahaha. So, you're welcome ;) aahah. No but seriously. IM SO EXCITED TO BE CARRYING IT ON!!! LoveLoveLove xXx