//For Crying Out Loud...// Matty Healy story!! (Completed) •IN EDITING•

//Chapter 38//

It's just getting light outside when i finally open my eyes. I don't even know how long I've been sat here, like this. Trying to block everything out. It feels like weeks. Matt's at the other end of the room. Leant back on the wall, his hands behind his back. Empty bottle of vodka on the floor next to his feet. He's clearly still drunk. His eyes on me. He looks, tired. Worn out. But still looks hurt.

I decide to close my eyes and put my hands up again. I'm not ready to move yet. I'm not ready to come back to reality yet.

"what you doing Matt?" i look up, opening my eyes, again. Moving my hands again - when i feel him drop to his knee's next to me, knocking my leg slightly "Matty?" he ignores me again. Keeping his head down. What is he doing? I stare over at him, watching him. I think he's crying, but I'm not sure. I don't wanna move. I don't know what to do.

He reaches over for my hand, and before I've even realised, I've pulled my hand out of reach, away from him. He finally looks up at me, looking wounded, tears slipping down his face. He looks at me as though he's in pain. As though I've just stuck a knife into his chest and twisted it. Looking down again, he starts to mumble something, to me? To himself? I can't work out what he's saying. But i don't ask..

"please" he whispers so quiet but i just catch it "I'm sorry. Please" Please what? That's all he keeps saying to me recently. What does he want? Why, why please? And why is he sorry all of a sudden. What is he sorry for?

"hit me" he whispers. Keeping his head down, but he looks up through his lashes at me. Pain visible from his expression but he's serious. What?!

what? Hit you? Why the hell would i do that?! What's gotten into him. I can't cope with him being like this. I don't know what to do. How to react to him. I've never seen him like this.

I finally want to say something to him. To tell him to stop being so stupid. To tell him I'd never hurt him. Why would i want to hit him? Tell him i know he didn't intentionally hurt me. To tell him, everything's gonna be okay. I can't stand seeing him like this. I can't stand that there's nothing i can do tell help - more. That's the worst thing.

I sigh out loud. Turning my focus back to him "I'd never hurt you Matt" i watch him, slowly looking back up at me.

"you should" he looks away from me again. As though he can't bare to look at me.

My phone pings signalling i have a text. Pulling it out of my pocket, i realise Matty's watching me now... It's from George. Asking if i wanna go visit Lou for a bit.

Tears start to fall down my cheeks again. Lou would know exactly what to do here. How to help. What to say. Especially because this is his brother.

All of this shit, I've not even had a moment to think about him. What kind of fucking friend am i? Guilt rips through me.

My chest starts to feel heavy again, and it aches. All this pressure and constant shit is getting on top of me now. There's too much going on. An i can't cope anymore.

I look up at Matt, still watching me. Tears rolling down his face too. But again, i don't know what to do. He might lash out on me again if i try and help him. I know he didn't mean to do it. But i can't help feeling scared. Fearful of what he might do next.

I don't understand him like i used to be able to.

**give me half hour? :) x** I text him back quickly. Feeling nervous, quilty even as I feel Matt's eyes on me.

"I er- I have to go out shortly" I look over at him but soon look away from him. i need him to go. And quick, before George gets here.

He doesn't say anything else. Instead he grabs my hand. I flinch from the contact, from how he makes me feel just from a little touch. A feeling i never get used to.