//For Crying Out Loud...// Matty Healy story!! (Completed) •IN EDITING•

//Chapter 17//

My mind is frazzled with different thoughts, feeling different emotions. I should be used to this feeling by now? Surely! 2 steps forward. 10 steps back. It's getting to the point I'm finding it hilarious though. It's beyond a joke now. My life can never just be straight forward. Easy. Happy.  Hahaha, happy? What even is that?

Why is it, everyone is out to hurt me? Set to be against me? Am i seriously just destined to be hurt and unhappy.

Why has Evelyn told Gemma about me and Matty. She didn't need to know there ever was an 'us' - was, being past tense. She honestly thinks i could come between them both? I dont see how. Even after him admitting he still loves me. After almost kissing me. After saving my life. After my whole life practically falling to pieces in front of him. I'm still not good enough for him. I'm not the one, like i thought all these years. I'm still that failure. The loser. I'm just the pathetic creature he feels he has to protect and some how help, and be there for. Because he pittys me. Because he's always had to be there. But that's the last thing i want. And if he knew me at all, he'd know that by now - I'm not his problem. I never was, and never will be.

Evelyn can go fuck too now! What the hell is her problem all of a sudden?!

I mean, they're engaged now. She's stupid for ever thinking i could get in the way of that. Even if a part of me wishes i could. Wishes somehow he would change his mind. I wish i could make him fall in love with me all over again. Make him realise im the one he should be with. Im the one who knows him. Who's been there for him. 

But that's me being selfish.  This is what he wants. She, is what he wants. An aslong as he's happy.... i guess.

Obviously, when a heart breaks... it doesn't break even! An I'm destined to be broken. To always be hurt and broken!

But fuck it! I'm working on it. I swear he isn't gonna rule my life any longer. I will wear a smile across my face from now on. I'm gonna learn to sing my heart out. Learn to laugh again. Learn what happiness actaully is. Learn what it feels like to be surrounded by people who actually care.

"smoke?" George stands in the door way, holding out the joint, smiling over at me.

"Huh?" I'm still stuck in my thoughts from earlier before he disturbed me - My back to him. I don't turn. Just staring out to the dark through the window

"do you like me?" It's out of my mouth before i even have chance to stop myself - SHIT! Why have i just asked that. No seriously, why? Do i even like him, like, like that? Do i wanna know what he's gonna say. I know damn well what he's going to say!

"You're a cool chick, yeah" he laughs. I think it's a nervous chuckle. Or maybe a -what-the-hell-Kay- laugh. I just nod. Please lets either change the subject or just stop talking all together now. What's gotten into me? By god! Shut up you dick! Utter blabber, vomit mouth!

"Sure" i throw him a false, embarrassed smile and follow him out - sure to both the smoke and his answer. Of course he doesn't like me. Idiot!

"Matt's inside" he looks up at me, giving me a sympathetic smile "sorry, he just turned up" he shrugs and starts to rub the bottom of my back slowly as I'm sat on his knee. It's not like i wasn't expecting him to be here with miss fucking looney's show up. He really doesn't need to feel sorry for me or pitty me right now.

"Its cool" i tell him grabbing the joint out of his hand and taking long, hard, drags back on it. I close my eyes, enjoying the feeling as i begin to feel numb, woozy and care free from the pot. The best feeling, ever. The medicine i need to recover and get better from this disease i have - Love.

"He's got some big news apparently, wants to tell-"

"The enagagement" i cut him off. Really, George doesn't know already? Surely he already knows.