//For Crying Out Loud...// Matty Healy story!! (Completed) •IN EDITING•

//Chapter 64//

"earth to Kay?" George claps his hands with a chuckle, amaused at me and my lack of concentration. Forcing me out of my daze suddenly. My fear. As my eyes are locked on the bedroom door. Paralyzed, still. Panicked. Nauseous.

I shuffle about in my seat, feeling as though i could throw up any seond "Sorry, be back in a minute" i tell him with a fake smile as i slowly make my way towards the bedroom. Taking small steps. Giving me longer to think. To prepare myself

He wouldn't. He can't be. What the hell am i thinking?... The hell is wrong with me? We've been through far too much for him to even think about being with someone else, nevermind actually...

But i can't stop myself from walking, heading towards that room. Not wanting to know but needing to.

Adam strides past me, occupied already with something. He'll no where he is. To stop my ridiculous thoughts. To put a stop to this panick without me making a fool of myself "hey, where's Matty?" i ask quickly as he begins chatting to a small group in the kitchen

He replies but keeps his back to me "Oh, he's in the bedroom with-" he turns to face me at that point ..."you?" he says confused. His eyebrows dropping instantly. He then looks over at the bedroom. Still confused, more so now.

And there it is.... That's enough proof, right?

And now i don't even know how or what i feel. I'm not sure how i should be feeling.... We're not together, so i can't be angry.. can i? We had a fight... so i can't be upset? But i can't be okay with it either... cause i love him. An i thought he loved me.

I thought he loved me! I thought he loved me ... I repeat over and over in my head.

I don't know why. I'm not even aware of it till I'm right outside the bedroom. But i have to see, for myself. Because then I'll know how i'm meant to feel. Then i can believe it. Then that's when i can allow myself to break down. Fall to pieces and accept Ive been destroyed.

I reach for door handle slowly. My hand visibly shaking. My breathing all over the place. Trying to take deep breathes but feeling as though something heavy is pushing down and crushing my chest.

"want that?" George interupts me as he walks past for the door with a brunette chick, holding the joint out for me. Huge grin across his face, clearly because he's pulled. I nod, eager for the smoke. Snatching it and taking it straight to my mouth like i need it to be able to breathe better "s'matter?" he quickly asks, stopping now to scan my face "Kay? You alright?" when i don't reply. Not able to form a sentence. Not able to speak to at least pretend I'm okay. I force my gaze away from the door, as i stand right in front of it

"Fine" i whisper. Fianlly finding an able to speak a word. I manage a small, fake smile up at him but then my eyes are back on the door quickly

"You sure?" he quizes, looking back at the girl quickly, then back at me - i know he's eager to leave with this girl as she stands, hands on hips, impatient. So i nod just once, my eyes not able to move back at him this time

"okay well i wont be long" he smirks before she pulls him away, out of the door.

I can't do this. I can't bring myself to face and see what i already know. Why would i want to put myself through that. I turn, pushed up against the wall next to the door. I smoke the last of the joint. Stubbing it out on the wall before slowly sliding down it so i fall to the floor. My knee's up, elbows rested on my knee's with my hands covering my face. Trying to hide myself as tears form in my eyes. I blink them away so they escape, falling down my cheeks. The music gets turned up louder, allowing the pain and sobs to escape as i cry out - the music not becoming louder quick enough as i hear a girl giggling and speaking "Matty" through the wall