//For Crying Out Loud...// Matty Healy story!! (Completed) •IN EDITING•

//Chapter 13//

I'll apologise now for this chapter. Not going to be my best. I just wanted to get an update on for you so. Sorry for the crappy Chapter. Its rushed so please ignore spelling mistakes. Will sort it later. But still.... Enjoy! xXX

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I'm stood silent, still, for a few minutes.. 2, 3, 5? I dunno. Just staring into thin air. I feel physically numb. Sick! I can feel the bile rising in my throat, burning as it comes up. I try my best to swallow it back down. A thousand thoughts are racing through my mind. Words. But just one sticks out and keeps stabbing into my mind, demanding to be spoken an answered - why?

I don't speak. Not sure if i can't or if i just don't want to. I dunno what Evelyn has been doing the whole time, but my thoughts are cut off when she forces a bottle of beer in front of my face "here" she holds it out "get this down you" she passes me the drink then goes and sits on the bed. I feel her eyes on me.

"wanna talk about it" she offers, still starring at me. She must already know the answer. I just shake my head. Still facing the door. Still yet to move, apart from taking the beer and downing it all in one go. My lips never leaving the bottle till it had all gone. I feel the gas rise up my throat and a loud burp leaves me mouth. Eve finds it amusing and starts to giggle, but then clears her throat and takes little sips from her beer.

What now? What do i do now? Say? All this is all too familiar. The pain. The hurt. And i know from experience, from my past. Past repeating itself. I know it's gonna get worse before it gets bett... But that's just it. It's never going to get better, is it. I can't do this again. I can't go through this again. It doesn't matter how many years it takes to heal me. Till it starts getting better, or easier. Another 4 years? 5 this time. 10?! It's not gonna ever get easier or better. I'm never gonna be healed. I'm permanently broken.

"lets go out!" Eve breaks the silence "what, now?" i still don't move my gaze from the door. He's not coming back' the voice in my head tries to snap me out of it. My head knows this. But heart, my heart's still stuck in the moment, only 10 minutes ago. Refusing to accept what's happened. Refusing to believe Matty would do this. This - being with someone else. Almost kissing me. Saving me. Taking care of me. Leaving me... Again! The bile from my stomach is back, making me feel like I'm gonna be violently sick any second.

"sure!-" i finally turn and face her "lets go out. Is the club still open?" she smirks at me and a little giggle leaves her mouth. What? I don't get what's funny. She must still be drunk. That's exactly what i need right now. I need to forget.

"sod the club" she laughs "Adams having an all night house party back at his. In?" she asks, glaring at me. But she forces a small smile. What's gotten into her? She seems.. Off? I know she'll be going whether i don't anyway, no doubt. But do i really wanna be alone. That's how i dealt with this last time. But this time, i don't want that. I can't do that. I can't hack repeating all that, alone... Again. I know exactly what's to come. I won't survive through it this time around.

"he won't be there, don't worry" she tells me. Shit! I never even thought about him being there. I should of done. But he's not gonna be "he's gone to Gemmas" she whispers with a shrug. Why? Why would you tell me that... Way to kick me while I'm down. Thanks! Well done. I glare at her.

But least now i know. Least later, when I'm thinking about him - i know it's to come. I can't stop the thoughts. It's impossible! - when I'm wondering what he's doing. If he's thinking about me, like i am him. I'll know now - of course he's not! He's with that beautiful, tall, tanned, fun, model. Who i hated when i first met. Then was jealous of. Then realised she wasn't so bad. She seemed cool after all and fun. Now, it's back to jealousy and hate. So much fucking hate! She has what was mine. What i want. What i won't ever have again.