I am NOT a fuck up. I do care. I care so fucking much. I know I don't have scars on the outside, but inside I'm torn to shreds. Don't you dare say you understand. NOBODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS. I will not be dropping out of school. I will not be failing. Will you all just stop talking about it please and let me be alone?
Yes, my grades are absolute and complete shit. I realize that. No I don't know how I'll get them up, but will you SHUT THE FUCK UP?! Okay, I need help, I realize that. But I don't need you. I need a fucking blade or something. If you gave me a blade, then I wouldn't have to bother you anymore with my shit. If I had a blade then I wouldn't have to deal with any of your shit anymore.
I really don't give a fuck what you have to say or what your problems are. I don't care that you don't have a date to prom or that you have work in the morning tomorrow. I was rejected twice to prom. I've been missing first hour every day last week because I can't get enough sleep. I can seriously sleep for 12 hours straight and be tired two hours later. I think I'm dying, but I don't know why.
I want to cry right now, but crying would just make me feel more pathetic. I stayed up late last night trying to save someones life. Someone I didn't know. It's what I do, but I don't know why. I'm the one that needs help. I need to go off to a clinic, because if what I thought about actually happened I would be dead seven times.
"Oh, I know how you feel. I know what it's like to be depressed." You have no idea what it feels like to be me. I'm a fucking mess. I want to fucking die.
...but then again I don't.
I want to change people's lives, but I don't know how. I don't know how I can change people's lives when I can't even save my own.
I'm never going to amount to anything. I'm never going to be able to do anything and it's all because of you. I fucking hate my life. I want to go to bed and never wake up every night, but I don't. For some reason my fucking heart keeps beating. I don't know why. You've completely destroyed me. I am not nearly the person I was. I don't even know who I am.
I want to die.
I want to cut.
I want to go to the hospital and cry until someone pry's what is wrong out of me.
I want to just be done with all this fucking shit.
And you know what? FUCK YOU FAMILY I dislike you the most. You say you're there for me, and you say that you'll help me and shit. But no. You aren't there. You play fucking favorites. You do something to make my "friends" happy, but you don't care about me. You wouldn't care if I showed you what I write, or how I cry at night. You wouldn't care unless I went to a crazy hospital. That's the only thing that will make you fucking care, as if I were shipped off.
I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I should just be another suicide statistic. I don't have a bright future.
A/N:
Thanks for reading, I'm going to bed now. Goodnight y'all xxx
-Hazelle
