I've always had this uneasy feeling of loneliness ever since I was a kid. There was just a point where I looked up at recess and realized I had nobody to play with. Sure, I had friends in that class, but none of them would spend time with me in recess. That was the first time I cried from the extreme feeling of loneliness.
It's been years since I cried on that playground corner. I feel like I've grown, I've stepped away from the corner and sought out to make friends. If no one asks to hang out with me, I'll ask them to hang out! I'll make my own plans! I refuse to go back to that corner and be all alone ever again. But it never goes away. That feeling of loneliness that follows me around no matter where I go, no matter what I'm doing, no matter who I'm with. And it just takes a second, just a small split second for that feeling to completely overtake me and bam. I'm back at the corner of the playground during recess, and I'm all alone again.
I feel lonelier when I'm in a big group of friends rather than when I'm just home alone.
And nothing— NOTHING, I do ever gets rid of this constant feeling of loneliness. At this point, it's the only thing that keeps me company. I can't escape it, and I feel like I'm never going to escape it at this rate.
And it's not even something I can tell people. They always get offended if I tell them I always feel lonely, in their company. Or it gets misinterpreted as I just need to be at the center of attention at all times. I definitely don't want that, I get incredibly anxious when there's too much attention on me. And in the end, they brush it off and I continue with my day with dread knowing I'm going to cry as soon as I'm alone. I don't feel wanted anywhere. I don't feel needed anywhere. So what's the point in even staying? How long can I last until the rest of the loneliness catches up and envelops me. What will I do then? Will anyone even be there for me when that happens?
Will they even care?
