I feel like everywhere, every day I'm constantly being lied about how much others care for me being alive. Deep down no one really cares what happens to me. It's all a lie. Everyone is a hypocrite. They act as if they care because they've been taught to do so. I feel like no one can help me or more like no one wants to do anything. I know I shouldn't expect others to do what I can't do for myself, but it would just be easier if people would support the only options I have left. I want to die.
No one is there for me when I need them, and while I understand others have their own problems to deal with it is just incredibly unbearable to feel lonely all the time. Whenever anyone listens to me, all they can say is: "life gets better". It doesn't get better. I've been sad, afraid and lonely all my life. The idea of committing suicide first got to me when I was 10 years old. I'm 19 now, and life is just sadder and harder every day. I want to die but I never find the courage to stop living.
I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of the pain I'll feel. I'm really a coward. I don't want to suffer anymore, but I can't suffer for a moment to end it all. I am just letting myself to rot away. I don't have the courage to live anymore. For the past few months, I've just been waiting for something to happen. Something that will help me end my self. On the rare occasions I go out, when I cross streets, I feel the urge of jumping in front of the next truck that passes by me. At home, I look at the bunch of pills my parents keep in the cabinet — the pills the need to take daily, and wonder if maybe by drinking many of them I'd fall asleep forever. Sometimes I grab the containers, but I never have the courage to open them, gobble them down, and poison myself to death.
I've been cutting myself a lot lately, I really don't know what to do. I wish it would all end soon. I've lost all hope and motivation for living. I don't go out of my room anymore. I don't watch TV or entertain myself with video games or anything else at home. All I do is sleep, work, eat and go to bed again. I realized nobody cared a long time ago, but what's worse is I just realized even I don't care anymore...
