I'm so sick of feeling this sad sunken feeling in my chest. The past year and a half I've gotten no break from it. I'm getting less scared to die every day I think I'm almost ready for it, waiting maybe. I can give my parents all the money I have to pay for the funeral and I can be done feeling this way. It's so tiring. I'm so fucking nice and caring to everyone. I'm constantly putting myself in others shoes before opening my mouth. Before I make plans. Even though I feel like actual death. But yet somehow fate or karma doesn't give a shit. It's all fucking lies because to this day, here I am still being taken advantage of therefore leaving me with no one in my life. I'm convinced college won't be better. At one point last year I was honestly convinced otherwise but then it sounded like a joke in my head after a while like 'yeah things will definitely be different at college okay whatever you have to tell yourself but no worries you'll find out'. I'm fucking done giving a shit about anything it's all pointless. I have no one, I'm going no where, and I'm constantly fucking sad with no one in my life who even knows or would give a shit. I can't sleep and I can't stop replaying all these heart breaking moments in my head. I really wish I was fucking dead already.
As of yesterday, I've officially come across the most miserable day of the year: the day of my entrance into this god-forsaken abyss! Who wouldn't want to remember my birth, where I nearly died twice before I even got out of my fucking mom (who didn't even want me, by the way). I really must've fallen short; birth is an easy time to die.
I could always blame it on the sadists the world calls doctors. They didn't really want me to live either, I'm sure (who could fucking blame them?). Unfortunately, their job calls for them to try to keep even the most useless things (such as myself) alive.
You know what I fucking hate? When people say that life gets better. That's fucking bullshit. They don't know anything more than you do. Or when they try to pull "inspirational quotes" to keep you alive out of their ass to try to help you. I'm well-aware that I'm being a hypocrite, as I am very guilty of doing this, but it's fucking bullshit. If someone wants to die, they very likely have a reason that has put them in that position. It's not like our lives amount to anything. We were given this shitty board game of a life, then were told to play it without having the objectives of it assigned to us. We're just supposed to know. Surely they can't ask us to be able to find a meaning; any answer we come up with is unjustified without having the packet of objectives.
Thus, my life has become such a joke. There is no purpose for life, but there is also no purpose for death. For all I know, death may just be another life. I don't want to come to another one of these "life" things until absolutely necessary.
And you know what? No matter what I do, I'm going to feel guilty. You know what's fucking hilarious? When I don't feel guilty, I end up feeling guilty, knowing that I've inevitably done SOMETHING wrong. How could I not? I'm fucking shit! Even now I feel guilty because someone is going to waste their time reading this. How unfortunate. If only I could do something right for once.
I wrote a suicide note to myself.
Dear, Hazelle
At this point in my guilty, miserable life, I am waiting for something to kill me, whether it be a lightning bolt, a car I walk in front of, or a toaster I drop into my bathtub. I suppose whatever proves to be the most efficient and causes the least amount of difficulty for those around me.
Or maybe, I'll live a long, miserable life. That would be nice. I'd deserve the seemingly incessant torture that this life always comes through to provide.
I'm a worthless piece of shit and I want to die every waking moment of my existence please, someone kill me before I obtain the happiness I yearn for. I don't deserve this happiness there are plenty of people who actually matter! I'm sitting here to waste your fucking time! Do not fucking be nice to me! I am worthless I am beneath worthless! I am a disadvantage to you! ignore me and let me die.
Shout out to my brain for being able to fucking torture me this long. Who knew that smashing my head repeatedly into a wall could bring so much truth to me? Keep on living, me! I hope I have to face my fear of immortality. That's what I get for ruining everyone's life, right? What, did I actually think that I deserve the gift of death? How fucking stupid am I? Do I honestly think I have the right to be alive when I am constantly ruining everything for everyone?
"I wonder why no one likes me." MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE A WORTHLESS FUCKING ASSHOLE I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED RUINING EVERYONE'S GODDAMN LIFE AND PRETENDING LIKE YOU'RE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO GIVE FUCKING ADVICE. GREAT FUCKING JOB, YOU RUINED ANOTHER INTERNET FORUM. FUCK YOU, HAZELLE! I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH! I HATE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU LIVE AND I HATE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU DIE! FUCK YOU!
I HOPE YOU FUCKING ROT IN YOUR HOLLOW SHELL OF A BODY AND HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT GUILT, THE GUILT OF BEING ALIVE, FOE THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE! FUCK YOU AND I HOPE REINCARNATION IS REAL SO YOU HAVE TO BE ALIVE AGAIN! I FUCKING HATE YOU ON BEHALF OF THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE! THEY JUST WON'T SAY THEY HATE YOU BECAUSE THEY'RE BETTER THAN THAT, THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU! FUCK YOU AND ROT IN THIS FUCKING WORLD!
