Wow life, thanks for everything. You've now taken almost everything. This just feels unreal now. I'm below where I started. I'm sick of trusting people, and I'm sick of making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm sick of trusting life, just for it to throw me down in an unbelievable fashion. The only thing I plan for and look forward to now is death.
I never thought I would get here. I mean either to the fact of "getting through horrible experiences", and to "getting over obstacles".
To be honest, at first it was easy for me feeling like a victim. But after awhile, I got over the feeling of being a victim. I started focusing on how to end the pain. I understood that I want to achieve great goals, and be able to be completely independent. And I knew one thing for sure – the independence will be concurred easily by having a lot of money .
So right now, I'm fighting my depression and these voices inside my head in order to be stable mentally.
Due to excessive energy and time investment, I find myself so isolated and betrayed by many friends. Either way if their intentions were mean or good, I'm lonely.
This has started to do a number on me. I feel myself slowly sinking down the well of depression. I also started experiencing sanity loss: tough times at sleeping, Eating disorder, Loudly speaking to myself, Swearing out loud, Saying out loud "I need to kill myself."
I started having nightmares on a regular basis, and forget most of my other dreams (usually I remember them). I feel naive toward any (even personal) disasters. I feel paranoid a bit. I don't trust anyone – I don't show it, but I have got to the point I'm intelligently not trusting anyone, as if I'm following the quote "Stay close to your enemies".
I know that the experience I lost in the last 3 years, and my whole fucked up childhood is not fixable. I know I missed things I would never experience and I know I can never change the past. But I found myself a truly working (at least for me) coping mechanism.
I believe that with all the chaos I've been through, I did have great opportunities to study and learn how to deal with life obstacles – and that is what I did.
I learned about finance, and independence. I know how to manage a house, and how to fix things at it. I learned how to speak, and talk to people (managers/friends/customers/public systems). I learned that "I'm not losing, if I keep standing on my feet after falling" and that there is always a second chance – I should never give up.
I'm sad that I lost friends, love, sanity and even more down on the fact that I had to push away my hobbies, playing soccer, skateboarding, painting, playing violin.
BUT, even then, I know I could do those stuff later on, right after I finish my studies, and get a well paid job, perhaps move outside of the country, and gain more money at universal company.
Stay strong, be brave.
