I don't care if anyone reads this I just need to say it. I've had many eating disorders and I have always had a deep deep hatred for myself. I've attempted suicide one other time and after I overdosed I realized I was afraid to die. My stomach was pumped and I was sent away to some mental institution. But now I am realizing that nothing has changed and I still hate myself. My family and friends don't understand or care about how I feel. So I've been alone for a long time. I really want to end it, just go to sleep and never wake up. That sounds nice to me. No more pain or stress. It would all go away. but I'm afraid that i'll attempt to overdose again and it won't work. Then i'd be left in pain. I'd be sent away again. So how do I win? I honestly think i'd be the happiest if I were dead but how do I know for sure that I will be successful in killing myself. what if I fail at that too?
I'm so over having to constantly lie about how I feel when somebody asks whats wrong. What am I suppose to tell them I want to fucking die? I can't. I can't talk about things that bother me to anyone. I've learned you can't ever trust anybody. Ever. I hate myself so much every thing about me annoys me. I constantly feel like shit about myself and I only have myself to blame. I'm always so alone no matter how many "friends" I have. Not to mention I'm 19 and have never had an actual relationship. People constantly tell me I'm "perfect" and beautiful and gorgeous but first of all I know for a fact that's a lie. And secondly if that is true I must have the worst fucking personality in the world. I know I shouldn't let that bother me but it does. A lot. I have friends but I still feel like such a loser. I'm so depressed but I don't want anybody to ever see me like that. I've been cutting myself since 7th grade and it's my only escape from all the fucked up thoughts inside my head. My parents only make things 10x worse. They're very Christian and I have a relationship with god but I feel so away from him at this point. Every time I get in trouble my dad tells me I'm being fake by even going to church because obviously I have no want to be a Christian because I do bad things like inflict pain on myself. I always feel so bad because I try so hard but one mistake and I'm a fucked up person. I just can't fucking deal with this anymore. I haven't been okay for a long time and at this point I'm just fucking done. It will be so much easier on everyone if I'm gone and I don't need people to lie and say it wont when you don't know the situation. I'm done with everyone's bullshit about how things get better because fuck that. I've waited amd waited and shit doesn't get better. It's better off if I just end shit now but I'm to much of a fucking whimp to do it now but I'll do it soon.
A/N:
I'm sorry for blabbing on about this and I doubt anyone will read this I just needed to put this out there idk.
