I don't need sympathy or pity. I've been pretending that I am okay for far too long and I am burnt out. I am so tired of being alive I can't catch a break! I am not someone who complains until my breaking point (hence my being here shouting into the void) and no one saw my struggle because my pride and pain tolerance are much higher than expected. I am always in pain mentally or physically. I am so tired of fighting every day to be seen as lazy and not trying. I hate getting older and not getting anywhere except sadder and sicker and uglier.
I'm 21 now and all I can think about is dying young. I sliced my arm the other day and had to get 4 stitches which was fun. This pain is even worse and now I can't go to work or go out and forget my pain I can't ignore and deny everything I am helpless and I can't draw or paint or make music and I'm all alone with my thoughts and reality and I hate it all. I love two people who love me back but I know I can't be with either of them. I know it will get bleaker as I grow older and the idea of parting is too painful to handle. One is so kind and sees me for me, sees what I'm about but is probably not meant to be, and the other is just too different — I want to be with him but when I am I am so depressed because by nature he is not very caring and or verbally affectionate which makes me feel unappreciated and unwanted. I don't want to lose him, that thought is just too painful. I think I'm just accepting that the pain to come inevitably will be too much for me to handle, and that my outlook is bleak and the pain I feel now is forcing my acknowledgement to continue to stay alive dies with each passing second, I have no reason to be on this earth much longer. It's time for me to go.
