I seem to have been making people angry my whole life, probably before I was even born? I must be addicted to it now because I'm stuck at home living with an abusive family. I try really hard to be positive and see things from a spiritual perspective but all I do is piss people off. Everything I do is wrong. I'm so tired. It seems like I can't get through even one day without upsetting my family. Everything I say and do is wrong. I just want to die. I know it must be me because people have been angry at me my whole life. Recently I read in Crime and Punishment (F. Dostoevsky) something along the lines of: even the most miserable, suicidal person when faced with death will suddenly start rationalizing and even living on a cliff edge, exposed to the elements, alone, unable to even lay down is preferable at that moment of death to...actually dying. I think FD was basing it on his experience of a mock execution he experienced in Siberia (serving prison time). If I really wanted to die I'd do it, right? I guess I still have hope and just want the pain to stop. If I could just get away, have a safe place to live and money to exist then I'd want to live, right? I just don't know what to do anymore.
