Whenever people ask me, "Hey, how are you?" My response is always tired. And this is a true statement because I most likely didn't get an appropriate amount of sleep last night.
Unfortunately that isn't because of an inability to sleep, it's because I'm just, tired.
I'm tired of having to wake up. I'm tired of having to get dressed, I'm tired of going to school, I'm tired of getting yelled at, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, I'm tired of everything.
I'm just too tired to want to keep going in this life, in this timeline.
I want someone in my life to notice, but I also don't. I don't want someone worrying about me, but at the same time I do.
I'm tired of my parents thinking of me as a failure in the family, that I'm not good enough. My father is constantly telling me that I will be the first one in my family to not graduate university, that I will never get a job, that I will never marry, that I will never be happy.
All I want to do in this life is make my parents happy, but unfortunately that isn't what I'm good at anymore. I really miss the times when they would say everything will be alright and I will be good, that I can still fix this. But now they look at me and I can see the disappointment and the sadness at what I've become.
I've tried many times to end it all. I drank bleach, survived. I cut myself open, survived. I even became so desperate that I tested the limits of my latex allergy (I am anaphylactic to latex) by inhaling three ballons, but nothing happened. I was fine.
I got a mixed feeling. I was relieved that I was still alive, but I dreaded everything else. The living, the scrutinizing glares of my family and of just being alive.
I'm just tired of it all.
I'm sorry.
