A/N: I'm not hedging others to sympathize with me but I apologize if I may sound extremely pessimistic and too unbearable. And I also want to apologize on how lengthy this is.
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My mind is racing about 200 mph but I can't seem to think straight right now and find the right words to say.
So where do I start? Do I start confiding to everyone how I wake up every morning feeling apathetic towards everything and everyone, and asking a god, the universe or my subconscious why it was so unfortunate that I still lived for another day? Or do I tell you guys how I locked myself in the bathroom for 30 minutes almost fighting for air because of crying? I don't know. I just want to stop the pain. I want to stop thinking. I want everything to stop. I want to stop.
I kept on distracting myself just to experience transient happiness and "find" escape from my thoughts and general disappointment with my life. Come on, I'm such a disappointment. I'm disappointed with everyone, how everyone seems to care for their personal agendas to get ahead and seek prominence and status. I'm disappointed with society, with how hypocritical the general consensus is. How people tend to maliciously sacrifice others for personal glory and "the greater good" — which really is about getting ahead of everyone else... becoming simulated beings controlled by their superficial desires to be attractive and desirable. But more importantly, I'm disappointed with myself.
I'm disappointed how hateful I've become, how nihilistic I've become, how lethargic I've become, how useless I've become. I've become the person I don't want to be.
I'm sorry, I know I'm blurting vague and random statements. So to clarify my situation, perhaps I should specify things.
Everyday, I feel less and less interested with life. I always wonder why "life" would still give me another day to live when all I want in life is to stop existing. And it's not like I'm actually "sad" everyday? More like I feel disappointed with myself or that I feel so empty. There were even times where I just feel anxious over nothing? I could literally feel my heart palpitating even if I was just lying in bed thinking about something. I always feel tired even if I had just woken up. I am very irritable and get distressed over trivial things/ situations. I hate myself that sometimes I just snap at someone else. I feel bad when I rationalize what I did afterwards. I know it's wrong and insensitive and I really feel guilty when that happens. It's not me. I'm repressing my pain by indulging myself on sensory pleasures. Of course, it's not really a surprise that an internet addict like me would watch youtube all day, or have a series marathon on Netflix or to basically just ruin my eyesight more and more by living in my laptop figuratively. I either oversleep or do not sleep at all. I had even lost my appetite. I would just eat not because I'm hungry or anything. I'm more focused on this escapism that I've chosen for myself that I have no interest on the real world anymore. And that is not who I am. Or is it really the REAL me that has been hiding my entire life?
And it's too much. I love my brain and I feel like I am "my brain", but sometimes I hate it too. Now, I've started to loathe it. One of my strengths is figuring things out because I'm curious about the mysteries of life and the universe, but I am so mad that I can't think of controlling my mind? How do I fix my mind when I know that it IS my problem?
My family doesn't understand. They think the social stigma for depression or any kind of mental condition is extreme. People generalize that when someone goes into therapy, they must be a social pariah because they are "crazy" and therefore, a disgusting human being. When one assumes that they are mentally ill, they should be admitted to a mental institution right away.
I'm just a freeloader at home. I don't live in a comfortable lifestyle. We're definitely not rich people, just above average perhaps. Which is why when I've confessed to my parents that I'm depressed, my dad told me that I'm just bored and according to him, that is the real reason why only "rich people" commit suicide because they are bored. He further emphasized that people who are struggling financially never "feel depressed" because they're "busy" finding livelihood. I don't know where he got that absurd statistics but of course, it's just pure bullshit based on his ignorant prejudices. And I'm actually alright with my dad. I know that he's just very traditional and pessimistic.
