I thought things were bound to get better. I am getting so sick and tired of people telling me what they think they should do, when in reality, they don't even know what the hell is going on. I was late to my college orientation today, because my uncle was giving a speech about respecting my parents. I know that this is necessary. I'm not stupid and I'm not a bad child. I just don't complain to the world like my parents do (well, except for this). No one knows what goes on inside my head or behind closed doors. They see what they want to see— and that's me being a rebellious, ungrateful child and that I'm just causing trouble for my parents. I admit, in some cases that is true, but people don't choose to look further. They don't ask why I do what I do.
Everyone is so scared or they just don't care to know my side. They want to keep this image in their head's that I'm the problem.
I hate myself a lot, because to the people that try to care, I just can't let them in. Vulnerability and I just aren't... compatible. The only time I was able to be vulnerable was when I was hospitalized in November. For a whole week I felt at peace.
I am just so curious to know why I'm stuck with people I have to call family that can't even stand the sight of me. I just feel like I'm useless. Everyone around me seems to have a sense of belonging. I know that not everyone feels that way, and that there are people like me, but I still feel like everyone else has someone or something that they're living for and I'm just taking up space. My therapist tells me to wait until I graduate college and get a job, but for what? I have nothing to live for. I'm going to be alone and I'm going to have nothing that matters in my life. I don't care for expensive things, I don't care for romance, I just want my life to hold value. I don't even find myself to be worth anything. That's my main problem. I could die tomorrow, I'd be the subject of conversation for a week or two, people would pretend to be sad, and those that are actually sad would forget about me in less than a month.
I honestly feel like I've lived my life and that my time is done. I feel so ungrateful, but I just see no point in living.
