I'm so used to going through every day feeling nothing positive. I'd say for a solid 6 months I've felt anger, sadness, loneliness, jealousy, hopeless. I've felt frozen with only negative emotions being able to course through my body. I just want a small period of time where I feel good, reassured with myself, happy, glad I'm still here. I need some kind of sign that even though this past year and a half has been legit the hardest time of my life but that it'll be worth it somehow, or maybe not even worth it maybe just a sign that my life won't be like this forever. As much as I honestly don't want to kill myself I don't know what will happen if these next few months stay this way or somehow get worse... I want to wait it out. I want to die old. But realistically I can't take being this angry and lonely anymore. I'm not myself this way. I wish I had someone there for me the way I'd be there for someone else who was in my position.
I just feel so unhappy. I cannot help how I feel and I believe that there's no way I can get better. I feel I'll always be messed up and I'm never ever going to get better. I do know a few people care about me, even if it's a tiny amount but I feel if I leave wherever I go when I die I will be free and happy. I can start a new life but even if I make it I feel like I will be more messed up than I am now.
I can't tell anyone how I feel, I don't want my mom to know I feel like this and I know she'll just brush it to the side.
