I feel empty and tired as hell. Life is exhausting. Everything is starting to weigh down on me. Everything is making me feel overwhelmed, even just little things. Why am I still here? I really don't know anymore. Maybe I'm still thinking that there could be happiness somewhere. Or maybe not. Then why don't I just do something? If I have nothing to lose, why can't I just do something? Anything. Why can't I find myself? I should be going on an adventure to look for the old me, but for some reason I can't. Maybe I'm too scared. Maybe it won't even work. Maybe I don't want to find a life of my own. I don't know. I want to push myself to do it. I have nothing to lose. What's stopping me?
I've hated my life for so long I have no idea what being happy is. I've hung myself, drank bleach and window cleaner and I threw it back up. I want to die but I'm scared to, but I fear the next day and dread tonight. I want to leave this world and live a life where I control what happens not others controlling and ruining my life. I'm the outcast of my school, everyone thinks I'm a joke. I sit in the back of my class because I was verbally abused for years that I don't care yet I'd rather not hear the emo jokes I've heard for a year now. I don't care if I'm emo it doesn't mean I don't feel anything I just want the pain to stop, is that so much to ask for? I guess so I don't even know why I'm writing this it won't help me. Nothing won't help me. I honestly want to shut down. I'm fat. I weigh 170 pounds and they say it's muscle but I know it's not. I just want someone to look at me and see the pain in me and say "I won't hurt you" I want someone to help me instead of my family PAYING people to give a shit. I'm tired of all this pain. I just can't take it. Maybe one day I'll look back and say wow I lived through that but I think no such thing will happen. I was born to suffer I'd die to win because I'm born to lose and I just want to do something right. I mess up everything I do and I can't do it anymore. I can't keep lying to myself saying I'll be fine when I'm dead on the inside in a shell.
