I can barely think. It's as if my brain had stopped running. I don't know how or what or why, I don't know how I feel. My emotions and thoughts feel mechanical if I try to observe myself with attention, but if I don't try I can barely notice a thing. Nothing really goes on in my head anymore. But this is normal.
I just want to be back to being miserable, I miss having an episode, I wish I could cry and go into panic attacks, I don't know who I am without those emotions. That was once the only acceptable state I could see myself in, I don't know why I feel this way, I don't know why.
I remember this one morning, I woke up to my mother yelling and it somehow triggered all the negative shit that I had to endure and I just couldn't take it, I faintly have a concept of that morning, but at the same time, I don't remember, I can't remember. The images and memories slipped out of my fingertips like foam of shampoo under the shower, like grains of sand on your feet after a wave of tide hit the beach.
Do you know the feeling of waking up from a dream knowing you've had a dream? It was like that. but now it's different, I've been like this countless times and I still doubt if the thoughts and emotions and physical feelings were just made up in my head, but I've been like this so many times, I should have learned but I didn't. It's almost as if I'm normal, in the standard of a robot. Laughter, memories, imagination, creativity, colorful minds and memories and the music and tones, death and birth, and thoughts under that blur in the head.
In the end, who am I to decide?
If I don't think about my state of wellbeing, then I'm better off dead.
