As short as life is, I'm sick of actual living. My forth coming. My shit family that I was born into, literally almost no help or friends. Just me and my suffering. Just me and misery. And health problems you do get in life, don't get better. They gradually get worse and worse until your problems consume you. I wish I was much more careful and wary as a kid. But that's not how life works. Any given day, your life can change for the worse or better and what happens, can be for the rest of your life. You know people out in prison serving life. I'm serving life as a prisoner in my own body. The pain I feel everyday, just eats at me. Slowly consuming me, until my body quits or I mentally quit. It already stole from me a normal functioning life. Some people out here are living hell everyday.
What if I never make it? What if this is it and I'm bound to be in debt and poor forever? What if this is the sole epitome of my existence? The nadir now far behind me. A glimpse to the past reveals all I can be with a future looking nothing but dismal. I had it all except a brain. Gee now I have nothing. I'm studying, but will that be enough? Will I perform? What will I do? I am so pathetic. If all goes well and I finish school what will I do? What if I don't finish school? What If I end up as a poorly paid prostitute due to the lack of looks? What if I lose both my parents and it makes me go psychotic? What if I lose my impulse control and end up doing something I regret? What if I get accused of a crime I didn't commit? What if I end up actually commiting a crime or hitting someone on the road on accident? What if I never find love? What if I get a traumatic brain injury? What if I'm clarivoyant? What if I'm just paranoid? What if I'm never good enough to be a person? What if secret societies are best left alone and kept secret? What if what I really want is something different than to be part of a group? But, is that it? Is that the highlight of my lowlife? I wonder...
I decided already.
I'm done.
For years I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for years and I'm done. I have 4 months of pills saved enough to do it. I'm done. I'm waiting for the 4th to pass. I don't want my best friend here when it happens. I don't want to hurt him too much. I know I'm a terrible person for this. But it's okay. I'm a terrible person to begin with. I fuck up every day, my family hates me and they prove it every day. So why should I stay here? I'm not happy. Nothing feels okay. I feel empty every day. The pills don't help nothing helps. I don't feel anything for anyone anymore.
So I'm done. That's it. I'm clocking out of life. If hell or heaven is real. I'll take my chances.
