I've considered suicide ALOT and it's mostly just when I feel that I'm losing control of a situation and my anxiety spikes beyond my control... before I can even grasp I'm getting close.
But today, it's different. I'm calm.. the episode has passed and yet I still feel as though it's something I need to do.
My plan is to hang myself. I have no access to anything in pill form, which has always been the more favorable way to do it to me. I have no rope, unfortunately, but I have a very strong nail hanging in the wall of a very wide entrance in the house and a very long extension cord. I know it will be agonizing and will probably try to stop it from happening once it has began. I think this is the way to do it though, because I'm afraid I will chicken out other wise. I don't want to do that.
I don't want to leave a mess of things behind. I've been researching ways to prepare for your death. Make sure dishes are done and clothes are put away. Clean the house. Leave some sort of note for those left behind so that they have some peace. I know it has always bothered me that my mom didn't do that for me. It made me feel like she didn't care.
Every time I get low... I get lower than the first time. I'm tired of feeling this way.
I truly think this is what's best.
