My main thing right now is not wanting to upset people, Christmas may advertise as being about togetherness, love and so on, but the underside is materialism, seasonal affective disorder and sadness. So if I sound remotely happy know that it is despite these frustrations, not because of them.
I had a meltdown three days ago, about the college canceling a class (that I'm still mad at them, my trust towards them is about the same as any other abusive employer...)
Then last night I had a dream that sorted things, about how I've hated educational institutions before. That's not what I'm there for, to like them, or get attached. I attend school to gain intelligence and grow as a person. I'll do that despite whatever external obstacles, and clearing obstacles is what I do. So I set up a meeting with my advisor and wrote a formal letter draft (which is quite hurt and angry) that I'll edit later. Later on I'll be researching how to report their lack of competence and hopefully correct them. That would be nice, but it isn't my job.
So I cleaned my house today. Last night I exchanged gifts with my best friend and her kid, which was fine (not particularly overflowing about it though). Then at the end of all this tonight I had a dinner (for which I also cooked some). I have to go to two family houses tomorrow, but I'm not planning on engaging with anyone that hard while I'm there. I'll eat, talk, help out, but not engage.
I'm feeling okay now though. Despite the frustrations going on around me, people being grumpy with me and so on, I'm okay. I'll get a good night of sleep, open presents, see some people I like, some that I love. Then it will all be over and we'll relax again.
I got some stuff that I really like. My family liked my gifts which was validation. Next year I'll have health insurance and I might just need to take anti depressants again... not pleased about it if so, but it's better that I be functional and less difficult if I need them. I'm just happy to have family right now. We're sitting around talking about the year and for once I feel like "I did dang good this year. Look at my grades, look at the weight I lost, look at how much organization and house cleaning got done. I mean, I got an award for being good at something, that hasn't happened much before." It isn't to boast, I don't think I'm better than anyone apart from the old me. It's: Wow, I don't know how the crud I pulled all this off, but this is great.
Anyway, no idea about how active I'll be. Probably not at all tomorrow, but I'll still be around for most of the time. I don't start school again until the 15th of January.
Merry Christmas. I hope you all enjoy with your family and friends.
