These past few weeks things are bad again and I just don't want to be here anymore.
Everyone says it gets better but i've been dealing with chronic depression and anxiety since I was 10 years old, it's been eleven years and it really doesn't get better. It gets worse. It really, really does no matter how many times people say it gets better.
I don't understand what is wrong with me. The hospital, the doctors, the many therapists, they say it's chemical. Why do I want to hurt myself? Why do I want to be gone? Why does everything hurt? It's not fair.
I've always tried to be a good person, be kind to people. I've never been rude, I smile to strangers, I make sure to ask about peoples day when I check out or hold the door. I try to help people who are feeling like I do, I donate my time. I really try to be a good person. Why is everything... so bad?
I don't have any friends. Okay I know that sounds stupid — but I really truly honestly don't. After I graduated from high school, my friends stopped wanting to hang out or message me. I don't know how to make friends out of the online world — It's so hard and I'm so nervous when I see someone I'd want to befriend.
I spend every day laying in bed and sitting around outside for hours.
My family hates me. I know they do. They never will talk to me other than to tell me I'm lazy or disgusting.
They don't want me to ever go anywhere with them. I ask them if they want to go on hikes and I offer to go to the store and get them things they need, but they tell me no they don't feel like it or that I'm just trying to waste their money.
I went with my parents to a orchestra concert recently, whenever I'd talk to my mom the whole 2 hours in the car she completely ignored me. When we were there she ignored me whenever I talked to her.
My older sister tells me not to bother her or give her a bad 'rep' because she has "anxiety" — but when I'm having a panic attack or feel like I want to hurt myself or not be here she yells at me to get over it and grow up.
My mom then tells the doctors she always tries to make me happy and always listens and understands — but she doesn't. She gets mad whenever I talk to her because I stress her out... I guess with a daughter like me I get it...
I just don't know what to do anymore I just can't handle this shit.
Everywhere I go everything is bad. My parents yell at me — I don't have anyone to go to.
I'm worthless, I'm pathetic and I don't even deserve to be alive honestly I really believe this, because if I wasn't there should just be some sort of sign right? I should have a hobby or talent or something to make me a part of something.
I'm going fucking crazy being alone with myself all the time.
I'm scared to tell my mom and dad And doctors that lately I've also been hearing things. I've been hearing noises and voices no one else hears and I'm so scared something's going on with my medication or I'm going loopy and I want help but they'll send me back to the hospital for who knows how long. My parents would do anything to shut me the fuck up and put me away for a few weeks like before. I just want help, I just want someone to be there for me.
I want to run away and I want to disappear.
I want to fucking kill myself so badly but since I'm religious I'm scared of doing the ultimate sin, I know I'm a terrible person and I want to be what god wants but I'm just so lost.
Why isn't he helping me...?
What have I done to deserve this I'm so tired. I just want to feel like I'm worth something. I feel more useless than anything.
