I am a 19 year old female and I've never been more lost in my life. I really don't know why. I have a shitty family, and a shitty job. I feel empty, I can't control the way I act, think, or feel. It's like someone else takes over and I can't even find myself. What I find most difficult is to explain how I feel. No words can really express it. I'm usually just all over the place. Say one thing, do another. I'm not exactly sure what I want and I'm very indecisive. I worry about absolutely everything and when I even try to explain how I feel to others I just think I'm going to push them away with how fucked up in the head I really am. I think about death very often. I am not afraid of it. The only reason why I haven't ended my life is because I still have that glimmer of hope somewhere in my mind that I will change and get better, but it's not happening. What I can't stand the most is because I don't know who I am, or what I say or what I do... I can't even remember yesterday. If someone brings something up that I have done or said... I can't remember it. Sometimes I feel like someone else is speaking and doing those things. I'm very emotional so when I hurt someone's feelings, it kills me. I don't even know I'm doing it. I have a guilty conscience all the time. Like every day is walking on eggshells. I do sometimes have my days where I feel on top of the world and nothing can hurt me or stop me, but it fades and I'm back to square one. I've had some horrible trauma in the past that I sometimes just want to blame it all on them, but only because I want to believe that. So I thought if I continued to think it was their fault I could eventually convince myself it really was... but we all know that doesn't work like that. I was fine and dealt with my issues and mentality for a little while until the last couple of months when my mom got physical with me. Pretty much depleted all trust I have in humans. I mentally got severely worse after that. I'm a nervous wreck now and I can't allow myself or someone to get emotionally attached because once I start to feel anything I shut down. So that's where the breaking hearts come in to play. It's like I lure them in just to shit on them the next day if I start to get close. I'm conflicted with being alone or having someone there to help me. I'm scared, confused, and I just need help. I hate myself and the person I have become. I don't know who I am anymore. I would never want to be friends with myself and I feel like I don't deserve any love or respect. I want a way out. and I just want to be myself again.
