Believing In You (Blue Bloods Fanfiction)

↞ Chapter Seven ↠

Season Three, Episode Eleven

"Yeah, yeah, it's Officer Reagan, I thought you knew already?" Renzuli looked me in the eyes, before quickly realizing I didn't. "He's over there, I was about to have a word with-"

"Thank you Renzuli." I interrupted, before practically sprinted to where Renzuli had pointed. Kenai was right beside me the entire step of the way. I could see his outline, he was seated on the back step of an ambulance, hunched over and looking nervous. I stopped a few feet away.

"Jameson." My voice was soft, but he heard me. He looked up suddenly, hopping up from where he was sitting and running towards me.

"Jett." His voice cracked, and he wrapped his arms around me. Jameson's grip was tight, and I hugged back just as firmly. My heart went out to him, I knew what a situation like this felt like. I held him for a long time, just standing there, waiting for him to say something.

When he pulled away he did it without a word, but he kept his hand on my arm, smiling in a forced way at me.

I grabbed his hands, holding both of his in mine, "Are you-"

"Sargent." He interrupted me in a dismissive way, a way that could mean on accident. Jameson pulled his hands from mine, dropping them to his side and standing at a more lax version of attention.

"I know it's your first time kid, but, uh, here's the drill." Sargent Renzuli started to explain the process, but Jameson beat him to it.

"Confiscate my gun, run ballistics, make sure everything's copacetic." Jameson listed it like it was second nature. "In the meantime, I'm free to use my off-duty weapon."

I was impressed, and also worried. He wasn't processing what had happened, he was just existing in the moment.

Renzuli nodded along before continuing. "As per protocol you'll be placed on administrative duty-"

"Three tours. Yeah I got it." Jameson sighed loudly, "Sarge, look, I appreciate the hand-holding, but I'd like to get my interview with the shooting team over with if that's okay."

"No, Jameson," I stepped in metaphorically, "you go to the hospital and get checked out for trauma. Ever cop goes, fatal shooting or not. The investigator isn't allowed to talk with you until you've gone."

Jameson wanted to protest, but with the combination of Renzuli and I shut that down quickly.

Everything that happened next happened quickly. I rode with Jameson to the hospital, and I could tell that he still felt out of it the entire time. Linda was the one to give him a look over, and it's a strange situation to the man that you love out of it.

The entire time Linda was looking him over, he was agitated. Like all of this was below him, like he shouldn't be here. I had seen it before. A partner a long time ago ended his career around the same accidental belief. I had to make sure that Jameson didn't do the same thing.

"Danny's been involved in shootings," Jameson motions to me in an offhanded way, "hell, you've bee in them before Jett, more than one. Do you guys get this pity party?"

"This isn't a pity party Jamie." Linda shakes her head, pulling the blood pressure thing off of his arm and turning to put it away. "And you know what, if you think all that stuff doesn't bother your big macho brother, then you don't know him."

"I did what I was trained to do." His voice was harsh, and it surprised me. "I'm not going to grieve over this guy."

It almost, hurt, to hear him talk like this, it wasn't my Jameson, or it was a part of him that I rarely saw.

Linda started to leave but not before sending a worried look my way, I didn't return it no matter how I felt.

Jameson had sat back down by now, and was huffing and puffing in annoyance at having to wait. I walked around to the front of him, putting a hand on each side of his face and turning his head to look up at me.

"Hi."

That's all I said, I just looked down at my beautiful boyfriend, both hands on either side of his head and I said hi. I didn't want to say anything more than that, because I didn't want to push him. Jameson looked up at me, and I could see how the shock was apparent in his eyes. He wasn't processing this, and I wasn't really sure what to say.

"Hey babe."

"I love you." I smiled, and it put a spark in his eyes.

"I love you too."

"It's okay to be sad Jameson." I spoke simply, and the second he tried to protest I interrupted. "Love, listen. Yes, the man was going to do a very terrible thing, but" I leaned forward, kissing his forehead, "you are human, and he was human. It's a hard thing."

I started to lean forward to kiss him again, but he reached up to remove my hands, pulling them down and I let them drop. He didn't want me to hold his hands, and I didn't know why.

"Did you give Danny this kind of treatment  when he shot that man last month." Jameson spit the word 'treatment' out, like it hurt him to say it. I had forgotten that he had heard about that, the only part he didn't know, was that the man Danny shot was holding a gun to my head.

"No. I didn't." I sighed.

"See this is what I mean!" He shouted, he never shouts. "You're babying me for no fucking reason!"

He stood.

And usually that wouldn't bother me, but the combination of the shouting and the getting up and the being angry and the terrible language, it.

It terrified me for just a second, and I stepped backwards, trying not to make it look like I was terrified, but Jameson just kept going.

Jameson kept shouting, but I couldn't even understand what he was saying. All I could see was the anger, and I knew it wasn't directed at me, I knew it was the situation that he was in. But it is so  much harder to know the difference between knowing things and what it is making you feel.

I kept backing up, until my back hit the counter top behind me, and only then did my face show the first sign of terror. Because for a split second I was trapped, though I wasn't in any danger, it is so hard to convince your brain you aren't in any danger.

He noticed my fear, and I could see the regret in his eyes. I couldn't tell if Jameson was going to say something softer, but he reached for me, and I pulled away. He tried to say whatever it was.

I interrupted him, swallowing thickly, and inhaling in a shake way. "I have to go."

I turned, starting towards the door and ignoring my shaky legs. A hand wrapped around my arm, but I continued forward. Trying to breathe through it, but not as successfully as I would have liked.

I was panicking, and that's all I could do.